Tuesday, June 04, 2013

back again...

i can't remember the last time i blogged. and it's probably the last thing i should be doing...but i needed to capture a moment and be able to have it later on. don't know why.

i've come to realized each of our children was sent to our family, to me, to contribute certain things. i'm talking lessons to learn, blessings to receive, so on and so forth.

Isaac gave me the gift of motherhood. he is our first. he will always be the first one of our children to experience those sequential things of growing up...preschool, lost teeth, reading a book, graduations. although ila and ruby did learn how to ride a bike first and to tie their shoes, but i digress. i get to learn how to mother another life because of him.

Ila is a mirror into my soul. she is me. in so many ways i can be more empathetic with her experiences because we feel the same way about things. i'm hoping this is an asset when she reaches those teenage years.

Ruby...oh Ruby Lou. she gives me the gift of love every day. if you've ever had a Ruby hug, it's one you'll never forget. she has so much love to give and so much room to receive it.

Lulu gives me the gift of light everyday. her soul is a happy one. she teaches me how to have fun and that being oneself is the greatest gift you can give the world.

Weston teaches me that everyday is a gift. i learned that i took our children and their health for granted. we treasure our children more because of him.

but today I'm really writing because of Kalani. i feel the need to document this now so that our other children know that i'm not playing favorites later down the road.

God sent me this child to feel appreciated. children don't know or understand the entirety of what their parents do until they have children of their own. and i get that. but it doesn't make the hard work of parenting easier. some days are great. some days are not. so God sent Kalani to me so that i would always feel His love.

case in point...i was up late rocking Kalani back to sleep when he was just a few months old. he's our sixth child, so i wasn't new to late nights or long nights for that matter. i'm not the kind of mother that always enjoys babies and toddlers. they are hard for me. i feel much better equipped to mother 5-10 year olds (that's the oldest we have now so we'll see how the later years go).

so i was rocking this infant and really only half awake when this surge of gratitude ran through my body. i can't explain it other than i knew in that moment that Kalani's spirit was grateful for my sacrifice of getting up in the middle of the night to rock him back to sleep. i knew it as surely as if he has opened his mouth to say, "wow mom. you're the best. thank you so much for giving up your sleep to take care of me."

and i'll never forget it. that moment still sustains me through difficult times.

today he is still not two years old...just about 20 months. he doensn't have many words and just babbles most of the time.


when i give him food. when i give him a toy. when i put him to bed...

he always says thank you.

so Kalani has taught me the importance of gratitude. this little man child, with so few words, can still express the gratitude that can turn my hardest days around.

thank you so much baby boy. mama loves you.

Sunday, January 08, 2012

oh how i love this man. that is all :)

Sunday, January 01, 2012

i'm only 32...

so this better not be a mid-life crisis, but something is going on. i've been in the middle of it for a good little while now. and when people ask if something's wrong or if i'm ok, i always find myself at a loss to be able to explain what's going on. i can't even make sense of it myself.

i do know that on the periphery i've been plagued with self-pity. which spirals quickly into lazy days with undertones of depression. which translates to being my anti-self...the complete and total opposite of who i want to be.

at the core of this funk i know there exists a waning of faith. and that's what's so bizarre to me. faith has never been hard for me. it's been a strength...and almost a crutch. because i've honestly never questioned much of anything. i've never been one to ask "why?".

and now i have doubts. i'm asking harder questions. and i'm not scared by it like i thought i would be. i just don't know how to maneuver my way through it.

and i know i'll find answers eventually. i do. the unexpected part of this whole experience is that i've never felt the long-suffering and patience of the Lord more than i do right now. it helps me to be patient with myself.

i made it to the temple yesterday...a very good step in the right direction of getting answers. what struck me so deeply (much more than it should have) was the light in the people's faces there...from the man i gave my recommend to when i walked in to the women directing me to my changing room. their eyes were full of light. and it took going there to really feel how far removed from that light i'd become.

the session went by without real spiritual incident for me. a few insights here and there, but nothing like what i was expecting and hoping for. then i sat down in the celestial room. i prayed. i was more honest and open with God than i had been, even with myself. i felt again of His love and His patience and His desire for my happiness. even though i left with no more answers than when i had come, my hope was renewed and my faith was replenished.

on a side note, another part of my problem is that i feel like many parts of my life have been collectively placed in jar, picked up, shaken around and set back down. (and just to clarify: jon has been my saving grace. we've never been closer or stronger...and he's also never had to love me through anything like this before.)

so things have been shaken up for me. just to name a few: friends moving away, a new and mind-bending perspective about a loved one, a pregnancy, an unexpected surgery for weston, a new baby, changes in my church responsibilities, permanently making our new baby our last baby. luckily, through recent conversations i was able to identify a hole in my life. a chasm. a canyon of nothingness. serendipitously, an opportunity for a volunteer position presented itself and it looks like that emptiness will be quickly and meaningfully filled.

then the lesson at church today...so timely and so specific to another aspect of my identity that i thought i had under wraps. so many times people ask me how i do it with 6 small kids and jon gone so much.

i don't like that question.

it makes me feel like i somehow don't fit in with the rest of what's going on around me. others ask if i'm ok that i stay home with our children while jon is out traveling and working. in the beginning of our marriage, it did bother me. a lot. and then i got over myself and embraced my life and loved it and was grateful for it. then somehow self-pity, discontent, and ingratitude took over.

and today those feelings were all vaporized and i'm better. just like that. somehow, just being in a room full of women i admire and respect and talking about the struggles and virtues of womanhood fixed me. much of my current struggle lies in this glaring disconnect between what my mind knows to be true and good and real and what my heart really feels. today my heart remembered and felt the truth of the sanctity and value and import of my identity and my role in our family.

a recent prayer i heard asked that those in attendance would be able to understand and more fully apply  the atonement in their lives. i don't know why i keep acting like the atonement only has purpose for me from time to time. it is infinite. it is deep and broad and all-encompassing. maybe i do know why. maybe it's so i can really remember...really remember that the Lord wants for my success and happiness...really remember that i'm not meant to struggle through things on my own...really remember that i know certain to be true. and really remember that struggles are a meaningful part of why we are here. maybe i was having it too easy for a while :)

who knows?

but i'm feeling more like the me i know, just better...wiser? more laid back? more patient? more insightful? i hope so. but i do know i'm no worse for the wear...and feeling much better :)

Saturday, December 31, 2011

diet coke is cheaper than therapy...

and it's also a much better option than staying in bed all day or yelling at our kiddos all day.

jon's gone again...only for a couple of days, but i forgot how difficult winter saturdays can be. and i didn't prepare for it. didn't prep myself emotionally. didn't plan anything for kiddos. no nothin'.

so about an hour ago i packed up our unkempt children and my un-showered self and we headed out. what was the plan? some time out of the house, a diet coke for me and sundaes for them.

and it worked! now we're back at the house and they are painting and listening to the muppets. i am still un-showered and they are still unkempt but i'm not yelling and i feel better. so for me, for today, that equals success.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

a funny thing happened on the way to church...

i'm now the ward historian. that means i'm in charge of recording the happenings of our congregation each year. and to avoid all appearance of hypocrisy i thought it might be a good time to start recording the happenings of our family again :)

there's no better subject to start things off with again than what has been the best thing to happen to our family this christmas season...

singers company!

we love uncle beal. and for so many reasons. she teaches me how to better love my children. she's one of my best friends and everyone's favorite sister and aunt. she really is the best.

and she's been doing this.

so we get to go see this.

and our girlies are as happy as this.

all because of beal.

the end :)

and p.s. i've been driving a passenger van full of little girls to provo every monday since school started so that they could be a part of singers company. and now camille is starting a group in the lehi/highland area on monday afternoons. go here to learn more and register your girlie. it really is spectacular. it even makes jon, mr. bah-humbug himself love christmas :)

Sunday, August 07, 2011

remember this...

from that blog "clover lane" beal showed me once...she's a wise, wise momma :)

1. Getting up earlier than the kids, if at all possible, even for 15 minutes, makes my day magically run so much smoother.
2. number 2 really didn't apply to me so i deleted it :)
3. Planning meals and ingredients and a weekly shopping trip is essential.  Trying to think of what to make for dinner at 5 p.m. makes me miserable, as does not having the right ingredients.  And hungry children at 6:00 p.m. are really really scary.
4. If I want free time, it MUST be planned.  It will never just happen.  Someone will always need something.  It is up to me to plan for it, and if I complain about not having a minute to myself, I only have one person to blame: me.
5. Positive reinforcement goes much farther than nagging, harping, and criticizing

and here are a few other things i've thought of to do that i know will make a big difference...
1. make dinner and eat with the kiddos even when jon is gone.
2. shower before kiddos get up...they even ask me, "mom, why do you still have your clothes on?" when they wake up and i'm already dressed and showered for the day. they think i never went to sleep :)
3. hug ruby more...today when she was assigned to give the scripture in primary she was shy and didn't want to. she went to give me a hug and i almost didn't, but then i did and then she was fine. i had the distinct impression today that she won't always give me those hugs. HUG HER MORE CALLIE!!!
4. the more the kiddos work and the less stuff they have the happier they are...it's the quickest fix to whiners i've found to date. jon and i realized we've been making the mistake of trying to compensate for all the time he's been gone by doing more or working less or giving them more stuff. it totally backfired. they need routine and consistency and to know their expectations. the end :)

Saturday, October 30, 2010

and the winner is....

Burnside Family!!!
so the first and only giveaway is over. jon picked the name out of a colander...we should have taken a video :) and now i know why i couldn't do giveaways all the time. i wanted to give EVERYONE tickets to the show.

anywho, i'll get the tickets to the Burnside Family and make the blog private in a couple of days. thanks for reading and i'll still be posting over here. peace out y'all!