outtakes...

and yes, that's how you spell it. i know it looks wrong but wikipedia tells me different. the end.

i really love our little family...

adding insult to injury...

little dude kept pulling tubes out of himself that he wasn't supposed to. so they put his arms in what i think they called "no-no bands". it's like a straight jacket for his arms that make it impossible for him to bend his arms. and they try to make them cute with the animal print, but it doesn't help. i just couldn't stop laughing when he looked at me like, "mom, really? i already have all this crap in me and now this?" i think laughing helps me not cry :)

very timely...

last night i was overwhelmed...i'm okay now. but last night, not so much. good food makes me happy so on the way home from the hospital i stopped for a nice meal all by my lonesome. that happens a lot...going out to eat by myself. sometimes i like the idea of not having to plan or prepare a meal. and come on, who doesn't like being waited on?

as i was getting out of the car i was overcome by this wave of emotion...weston was in the PICU, jon's phone was dead and he couldn't talk, and i'd hit a wall. i was scared. i didn't feel strong. and i was completely giving in to feeling sorry for myself. by the time i reached the entrance of the restaurant, i was ready to turn around. but then i heard beth orton crooning to me over the restaurant's speakers..."listen girl, you shouldn't feel so alone".

so i didn't. i walked in, sat down at the bar, ordered a meal that i'd never cook for myself and pulled out my book.

i always have at least one (sometimes two) books with me wherever i go. i never know when i'll have a couple minutes to get a few pages in. and i'll admit it. i read at stoplights.

anyway...right now one of the books in my purse is "don't try this at home: culinary catastrophes from the world's greatest chefs". the title is what attracted my attention. and it's always good to remember that even the best of us have really bad days. i read the first chapter at dinner and the message was very timely. here's my new mantra...

"Everyday is a new challenge, a new adventure, and you must never be complacent; you must always be on your toes, ready to deal with the unexpected, ready to respond - with as cool a head as you can - to whatever surprise comes."

- Ferrán Andrià

and although this culinary master was dealing with spoiled lobsters and 3200 people to feed, it's the principle of the thing. i don't do well with change. i like feeling in control and being prepared. i'm not that great at adapting. but i'm realizing life won't be as enjoyable if i can't take things as they come and remember the important things that i've already learned...

peace is a choice...
faith and fear cannot co-exist...
the Lord has given us all the tools we need to overcome
the hard stuff that comes our way.

it just hit me...

***DISCLAIMER***
this post was NOT written to solicit compliments. i don't want them :)
i just needed to write this down in case i forget it later.

5 kiddos in 7 years (one of those pregnancies being twinners) equals 3.08 years of being pregnant...160 weeks....40 months....1120 days of being pregnant. sheesh! i think i'm going to cut myself a little slack when it comes to the whole "how i think about my body" thing.

i used to wish that i was one of those women whose body literally bounced back after growing a baby inside of her. but in the last couple of days i've become okay with the fact that i'm not. seeing some recent pictures of myself made me realize i don't really look like i thought i did...but i'm pretty sure that happens to most of us, right?

but another thing happened in seeing those pictures. i noticed something else that was different than i thought it was. i've never seen myself so happy...like a good, comfortable, deep and abiding kind of happy.

and to be honest it really hasn't always been that way...and not that i ever had any real problems with depression or anything, but it took me a bit longer than most to figure out the whole lasting happiness thing...uganda, the mission, and jon all had A LOT to do with finally getting that down.

and now i realize that these 5 little munchkins are kind of like the cherry on top. something about the hardness and the happiness that is the five canlas kiddos took my self consciousness away and i know, not feel, but i know that what i look like doesn't really matter like i thought it did.

i mean i know i have pounds i need to shed to be healthier, but in the past few days it's become clear to me that loosing those pounds won't necessarily make me happier. i'm happy now. the end.

BOO!

so i forgot i took this quasimodo picture when my face had a mind of it's own...sooooo scary and sooooo not cute. now that my face is back to normal it's almost funny...almost :)

i heart technology...

it really is amazing. i can even remember getting my first email account freshman year of college in '97...yikes! and i'm not saying i'm savvy or anything...proficient? yes. savvy? no.

so because of technology, i downloaded and am now listening to this. it really lifted my spirits and gave me a little boost to be nice even though i'm not feeling so hot.

because of technology i can show you this. my sister has some amazing connection and started this discount jean business with her friend. if the words true religion, rockin' republic, or laguna beach mean anything to you, you need to contact her at {ijustcantseemtogetenough@gmail.com}. they even have trying on parties and if you host one, you'll get 10% of the profits from the orders. ***and i just found out how much these jeans usually cost...$350...GEEZOLA!!! but they sell them for $60 each...whatever size, whatever brand, whatever pair...$60 each. so if you have ever even thought about purchasing a pair of these fancy shmancy jeans or have even ever dreamt of owning a pair, now's your chance ladies!

because of technology i can also tell you about this. my other sister (along with the jean company sister) have been volunteering for Women in Philanthropy, a branch of United Way. They are in charge of gathering donated items, experiences, and services for various auctions at an annual gala Women in Philanthropy hosts to raise money for organizations that support women and children in Utah County. If you are a local business and are interested in donating an item, experience, or service for the gala, contact beal at {bootstothemoon@gmail.com}.

and best of all, because of technology i got a text today at 1:10 pm that said, "you'll never guess...we are DONE! we will be home in like 30!" jon finished his shoot early and wasn't supposed to home til 5.

so today especially, i heart technology.

it happened already?

today was a long day for isaac. last night we had a late movie night (bedknobs and broomsticks) with soda and pizza and more candy than i think we've ever had in our house, and little dude was crazy tired today. one thing led to another and around 830 i found myself standing outside his door holding it closed while he was crying and yelling on the other side, and i quote, "mom! i hate you!"

ouch.

and i know he didn't mean it. i know it was his delirious state of exhaustion that was in control. i can't even say that it hurt my feelings...i'd just gotten a big dose of perspective watching nie nie on oprah and was feeling especially calm and collected :) i just didn't think i'd hear that phrase for a few more years.

then at around 930 tonight i found myself in front of that same door holding little man in my arms...and he was crying again. but they were tears of regret. he was sorry and i knew he meant it.

he must get it from his dad. they are both so quick to apologize and tell me they are sorry. this is definitely a "like father, like son" characteristic i'm loving right now. i married a good man. the end.

favorite quotes from the past few days.....

FAVORITE QUOTE #1
i went to urgent care for some eye pain i was having. once the doctor came in and i'd told him what had been happening he said, "ok, let's just rule out herpes lesions."
(i guess if you have a cold sore or canker sore it can spread to your eyes. random.)

FAVORITE QUOTE #2
i was checking out at gap...
cashier: how are you?
me: i'm great! i just found 5 pairs of jeans that fit!
cashier: oh...(pause) are they long and lean?
me: yep.
cashier: yeah, those are my mom's favorites too. she loves them.

FAVORITE QUOTE #3
family was over for dinner tonight and before they left my sister was singing with her little 2 year old...you know...you sing a little and they finish the phrase? this was part of nigel's version of "i love to see the temple"

beal: i love to see the...
nigel: temple
beal: i'll go inside some...
nigel: day
beal: to feel the holy...
nigel: spirit
beal: to listen and to...
nigel: play (pray)
beal: for the temple is a house of...
nigel: god
beal: a place of love and...
nigel: booty (beauty)

the song goes on but i'll stop there. totally awesome. and p.s while nigel was saying the prayer for dinner...he totally burped :) soooooo funny. i'm still laughing. the end.

he makes people want to have babies....

...everyone but me :)