Friday, February 12, 2010
so before i finish this bag of kettle corn all by myself, i think it's time to start decluttering my mind and my heart.
waiting in the PICU is a strange thing. it's GREAT in the sense that things are staying the same or if you're lucky, they're getting better. but now i find my mind wandering and asking myself questions that i don't know the answers to.
because sometimes there are miracles and sometimes there are not.
i already know that "WHY?" is the least productive question on the planet. so i'm not even touching it.
it's all so relative here...low flow, high flow, intubation, life support, brain activity, oxygen saturations, spontaneous breathing trials...but one thing is the same. the faces of parents with a kid in this hospital. we smile knowingly as we pass in the halls, silently communicating that we're sorry, we know what you're going through, hang in there...
and nobody's sorrow is really deeper than anyone else's because it is theirs. it's all they know. and it's hard.
and all these prayers? how is it that verbally expressing our desires and well wishes to our Maker in behalf of loved ones and even strangers REALLY makes a difference? all i know is that it does. we can FEEL your prayers. sometimes i don't even notice it and sometimes it's overwhelming and keeps me hanging on.
and what about those who are doing this alone? who don't have their families, neighborhoods, and virtual friends rooting for them? i thought about them on sunday before this all happened. i wanted to let them know, whoever and wherever they are, that i think about them alot. alot more now that we're here.
i know we're lucky.
i know my kids are happy and having the time of their lives with aunties and cupcakes and sleepovers.
i know these people doing their jobs in this hospital are the best of the best.
i know sometime (i don't know when) i'll look back and i'll have learned something priceless.
i KNOW God is patient in my times of weakness.
and i know He already knows everything i'm trying to sort out.
and remembering all of this is when the peace comes. peace is more potent than understanding. peace is more powerful than my own weakness. peace obliterates the fear.
Posted by Callie Canlas at 12:05 PM