Thursday, February 11, 2010
i forgot what he looks like without a mask over his face.
and i forgot what a microcosm the PICU is. it was never as hard to leave as it was last night and i was petrified to come back in this morning. they put him on a bipap, which is the next step from the cpap and the last chance to help him breathe before they have to intubate and put him on a ventilator. we'll do whatever we need to so that he can breathe, but intubation scares the bejeezus out of me.
that's my problem this time around. it wasn't hard for me before to be faithful. it was easy to leave every night knowing that he'd be ok. i don't know that he'll be ok this time. it's harder to find that peace that i took for granted before. i've been told to "let the Spirit chase out the fear". i'm trying.
the fear is overwhelming in a way i've not experienced before....
and now it's an hour and half later.
they're intubating. it's not so scary now that they're actually going to do it. the attending who made the call has a 10 month old baby. i could tell he had tried to think of everything that could be done before he had to make this decision.
jon's on his way up now. i'm really ok, but i just don't want to be alone anymore.
"thank you" doesn't even come close to expressing what we feel for all the support, prayers, meals, babysitting, and blessings that are ours. let's invent a new word to take care of that :)
Posted by Callie Canlas at 11:07 AM