Thursday, February 11, 2010

i forgot...


i forgot what he looks like without a mask over his face.

and i forgot what a microcosm the PICU is. it was never as hard to leave as it was last night and i was petrified to come back in this morning. they put him on a bipap, which is the next step from the cpap and the last chance to help him breathe before they have to intubate and put him on a ventilator. we'll do whatever we need to so that he can breathe, but intubation scares the bejeezus out of me.

that's my problem this time around. it wasn't hard for me before to be faithful. it was easy to leave every night knowing that he'd be ok. i don't know that he'll be ok this time. it's harder to find that peace that i took for granted before. i've been told to "let the Spirit chase out the fear". i'm trying.

the fear is overwhelming in a way i've not experienced before....

and now it's an hour and half later.

they're intubating. it's not so scary now that they're actually going to do it. the attending who made the call has a 10 month old baby. i could tell he had tried to think of everything that could be done before he had to make this decision.

jon's on his way up now. i'm really ok, but i just don't want to be alone anymore.

"thank you" doesn't even come close to expressing what we feel for all the support, prayers, meals, babysitting, and blessings that are ours. let's invent a new word to take care of that :)

35 comments:

  1. I don't know what to say or do at this time for little W. What do I do?

    I'm sorry, Callie, that it is scary this time. For me, it's easy to say I leave it in the Lord's hands, but I still find myself at times white-knuckling the thing I'm supposed to be leaving in His hands.

    But you have always demonstrated yourself to be a more obedient daughter than I, and I know that you will do and feel whatever is right for your experiences though you may think your reactions imperfect. Have faith that your journey is perfectly yours.

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  2. you are in our thoughts and prayers always. hang in there. keep having faith that heavenly father knows more than we do, even though it's so hard sometimes.... we love you guys.

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  3. You have the faith, even when you don't feel it. I've been in a similar position and beat myself up for not being good enough. Now, later, I realize that I still believed then but I loved so much that the hurt was mistaken for doubt. You are good enough, even when you feel weak. You have the faith, even if you don't feel it. Hang in there, you can do it. He knows your touch and can feel you pulling for him. If my heart has any say in the matter, faith will heal.

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  4. Sweetie...huggs. Please let me know if I can run something up for you while you are there. Chocolate helps...pero? Toast?

    Loves...to the moon and back...and all the prayers in every fiber of my being.

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  5. I am so sorry Callie. God will be with you, and we are all praying for you and your family. Know that so many people are thinking of you and your family. We love you.
    Sarah O'Gwin

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  6. You are both amazing parents. I want to have children as happy as yours are.

    We are praying for all of you...especially Weston.

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  7. don't know you personally, but i've been following jon's work for sometime now (and a random side note: my baby sister is good friends with kristopher orr).

    of course my prayers are with your sweet family. that can almost go without being said, can't it?

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  8. please please put me on your list of babysitters- i am always just home, usually alone. email me and i could be over in 5 minutes!
    kelly

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  9. Hi! My name is Amy. Jon met us out in Arizona for the one on one. Just wanted to let you know that our family is praying for you and for Weston. For each of you really. His eye is on the sparrow, how vastly more upon your sweet son.

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  10. i can only imagine how you must be feeling. we're praying for your sweet boy!

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  11. Callie - I'm sending serious prayers your way. I'm sorry you are going through this. As if being a mom to 5 kids isn't hard enough...

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  12. sending lots of good vibes your direction. it is always so sad to hear about sick babies...

    praying for you, and your family too!

    Loves,
    Evonne

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  13. Callie, that dance of faith and fear is a complicated one. Just lean into God's arms. completely.

    I love you so much.

    xo.

    N

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  14. We've been thinking about you a lot, Callie. It sucks what your going through. We are praying for your family, and love you.

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  15. many thoughts and prayers for your family and your sweet baby weston. love you...

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  16. I'm a friend of Nat's. Weston is in our prayers....as well as you and your whole family!!!

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  19. Though I'm sure I cannot say anything that hasn't already been said to you & your family, I want you to know that I am PRAYING -- PRAYING with all my HEART & SOUL for you sweet Weston, and for your entire family. PRAYING ~ PRAYING ~ PRAYING ~ PRAYING (times a thousand!) And I will continue to pray for you all! I know I should always pray "not my will, but Thine"... But I PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY that Thine Will be to uplift, heal & make whole little Weston. I pray that this little blessing continue to grow both spiritually and in earthly years. I AM YOUR PRAYER WARRIOR!!! Love always,
    Amanda

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  21. Hey Callie! I hope Weston recovers quickly. I will be praying for him!

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  22. Callie,

    I am another heart mom and stumbled upon your site. My heart goes out to you and I will send up some extra prayers for you tonight. My daughter Claire has Transposition of the Great Arteries and spent 10 days in the PICU with RSV. They were the 10 worst days of our lives, significantly more trying than her first open heart surgery. I know exactly how you feel, afraid to leave, afraid to trust, just so afraid.
    I know you have a wonderful support system, but if you ever need to "talk" to another heart mama, please feel free to email me. In the meantime, we'll be praying for you and for Weston.

    Heart hugs,
    Josie Kurz
    Mended Little Hearts of Central Virginia

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  23. Dear Callie, your family is in our prayers. We love you.

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  24. Here from the lovely Natalie Norton's blog. As much as I have no idea what you could even possibly be feeling, I know that I personally understand what it feels like to think you are hanging on by one strand of hair. Fear flows through me daily, then I have to take a look at where I could possibly be without the Gospel and prayer; how much weaker I would be.
    I'm grateful to be connected to those virtually who provide me with an opportunity to forget about my woes even if it's just a moment.
    As much as fear stinks, it's a reminder that we are mortal and can't do it alone.
    I pray that you are able to let all who are praying, carry your burden as well as Christ. Bless your heart, there is no other heartache quite like that when it involves your child.

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  25. i know you don't know me, but your family will be in my heart and prayers tonight. I pray that you will have peace and that your little weston will heal quickly.

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  26. I too am from Natalie's blog...

    Carlykins said "Bless your heart, there is no other heartache quite like that when it involves your child." Agreed. I pray you will be comforted and relieved of your anxiety and fear. We are praying for your sweet Weston and family!

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  27. My sister pointed me in the direction of your blog...seems we have a lot in common. Hang in there, I'm so sorry your baby is so ill.

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  28. I found your blog through natalie's (above comment). Just want you to know that we are praying for your sweet family.

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  29. First my love to you and the family. My prayers for Weston's speedy recovery and for you to have that peace and knowledge that the Lord will do His will and that we must have faith to endure well. Heavenly Father loves all of us and He is here for us through the thick and thin of things. There are so many lessons to be learned through the trials that are given to us. Countless blessings are abundant and there is joy in the knowledge we have in the gospel. You are a wonderful mother and wife, so strong and full of grace. I have observed you reaching out and strengthening your family with a faith stronger than you might have even imagined. You still have that same faith and you still have Him who loves you most in your corner. God bless you Callie and Jon with your special family. Weston's name has been entered in the temple prayer box in several temples. I believe in those prayers and I have faith to know that Heavenly Father will bless Weston accordingly. Hugs, xxxooo

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  30. We are praying for you. Hope all starts to get better. Let me know if you need any thing at all seriously.

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  31. Praying for you Callie!! Hope things get better soon.

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  32. You dont know me but im praying for your little boy. Well, your whole family actually.

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  33. Callie, I am praying for you guys and have put Weston on the prayer roll. I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you guys. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help! Love you!

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  34. Callie,

    I know that feeling, not with children, but I now that feeling very well. You guys are on our minds and in our prayers! He's such a doll!

    Mo

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  35. Dear Weston and family,

    We feel quite useless to you, as I am sure many people do. Please know we will sincerely do the one thing we can do for you. Pray. We will pray for your health, your families emotional wellbeing, and for the staff at Primary Children's, and anything else that we are moved to pray for.

    Love,
    Cedric, Sarah, Scout and Baxter.

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