it just hit me...

***DISCLAIMER***
this post was NOT written to solicit compliments. i don't want them :)
i just needed to write this down in case i forget it later.

5 kiddos in 7 years (one of those pregnancies being twinners) equals 3.08 years of being pregnant...160 weeks....40 months....1120 days of being pregnant. sheesh! i think i'm going to cut myself a little slack when it comes to the whole "how i think about my body" thing.

i used to wish that i was one of those women whose body literally bounced back after growing a baby inside of her. but in the last couple of days i've become okay with the fact that i'm not. seeing some recent pictures of myself made me realize i don't really look like i thought i did...but i'm pretty sure that happens to most of us, right?

but another thing happened in seeing those pictures. i noticed something else that was different than i thought it was. i've never seen myself so happy...like a good, comfortable, deep and abiding kind of happy.

and to be honest it really hasn't always been that way...and not that i ever had any real problems with depression or anything, but it took me a bit longer than most to figure out the whole lasting happiness thing...uganda, the mission, and jon all had A LOT to do with finally getting that down.

and now i realize that these 5 little munchkins are kind of like the cherry on top. something about the hardness and the happiness that is the five canlas kiddos took my self consciousness away and i know, not feel, but i know that what i look like doesn't really matter like i thought it did.

i mean i know i have pounds i need to shed to be healthier, but in the past few days it's become clear to me that loosing those pounds won't necessarily make me happier. i'm happy now. the end.