long time, no blog...

it's funny how when something is still novel that it seems more interesting. when i first started blogging i did it all the time. i guess because jon blogs alot too i feel like he covers everything. but i'm back and i'm blogging...

so ruby crawled yesterday. at first it was even a real, normal crawl. but today it's gotten a bit more "special". anyone who's seen a baby crawl in the early stages you know what i'm talking about. isaac had an almost army crawl. but today, ruby's crawling with her bum up in the air. it's cute.

conference was good today and especially yesterday. i thought elder hales talk kicked booty. i like it so much too because it's all stuff i feel that i've been learning first hand. at the same time though it's hard, because i feel that when you learn a new principle or experience how something works that you're now responsible for it and it's almost immediately tested. i remember people on the mission actually articulating that they didn't want to learn too much because they didn't want to be held responsible for that knowledge and have to live up to it.

that mentality is so foreign to me. i guess i feel that i was so held back and controlled over earlier in life that maybe i feel i have to make up for lost time. i don't know.

another interesting thing is talking to people who've known me for a relatively short time, even though we talk about important things and have come to know each other pretty well. i talk about who i used to be and the insecurities i struggled with and the lack of confidence and self worth. those character flaws combines with painful shyness and social paranoia didn't equate to a very winning personality. they don't believe me. well they didn't believe me.

that is until jon and i went to "activity days" for the 8-11 year old girls in the ward. he was taking pictures for my ward historian project and he ended up taking individual portraits of each of the girls there. of course they turned out so cute and the girls were totally eating it up. later, a friend was commenting on how amazing it was that jon had captured each of their personalities individually and how happy and genuine the pictures were. there was one girl in particular whose picture she was grateful for. i knew immediately who she was talking about and i told her that. she said "oh callie you're so intuitive and observant...how did you know?" i told her that i was that girl growing up. she didn't quite dress like everyone else and she didn't seem to feel comfortable around everyone, but she gravitated to jon and the real her came out in the picture. it turns out she doesn't have the greatest home life and is a bit socially awkward and you can tell she's self conscious. that was me. my friend got pretty emotional and so did i. she was hopeful to know that the girl could be okay and that she could turn into someone comfortable and confident in their own skin. i was emotional because i hadn't realized how much i'd changed. it was the first time i'd really interacted with someone who only knew me from now and not from back then.

she asked me how i had done it and i'd never really thought about it before. but i've come to realize that the principles of individual worth that i started learning about when i was 12 is what started it all. amazing youth leaders and in tune parents rounded out the whole deal. i can now see that all of that in combination of a few guardian angels are what protected me until i was able to have the experiences and meet the people i needed to in order to discover who i was.

so thank you to those who helped me find me. i hope you know who you are.