calamoozoo

2012-01-08T21:37:00.000-08:00

oh how i love this man. that is all :)

i'm only 32...

2012-01-01T15:08:00.000-08:00

so this better not be a mid-life crisis, but something is going on. i've been in the middle of it for a good little while now. and when people ask if something's wrong or if i'm ok, i always find myself at a loss to be able to explain what's going on. i can't even make sense of it myself.

i do know that on the periphery i've been plagued with self-pity. which spirals quickly into lazy days with undertones of depression. which translates to being my anti-self...the complete and total opposite of who i want to be.

at the core of this funk i know there exists a waning of faith. and that's what's so bizarre to me. faith has never been hard for me. it's been a strength...and almost a crutch. because i've honestly never questioned much of anything. i've never been one to ask "why?".

and now i have doubts. i'm asking harder questions. and i'm not scared by it like i thought i would be. i just don't know how to maneuver my way through it.

and i know i'll find answers eventually. i do. the unexpected part of this whole experience is that i've never felt the long-suffering and patience of the Lord more than i do right now. it helps me to be patient with myself.

i made it to the temple yesterday...a very good step in the right direction of getting answers. what struck me so deeply (much more than it should have) was the light in the people's faces there...from the man i gave my recommend to when i walked in to the women directing me to my changing room. their eyes were full of light. and it took going there to really feel how far removed from that light i'd become.

the session went by without real spiritual incident for me. a few insights here and there, but nothing like what i was expecting and hoping for. then i sat down in the celestial room. i prayed. i was more honest and open with God than i had been, even with myself. i felt again of His love and His patience and His desire for my happiness. even though i left with no more answers than when i had come, my hope was renewed and my faith was replenished.

on a side note, another part of my problem is that i feel like many parts of my life have been collectively placed in jar, picked up, shaken around and set back down. (and just to clarify: jon has been my saving grace. we've never been closer or stronger...and he's also never had to love me through anything like this before.)

so things have been shaken up for me. just to name a few: friends moving away, a new and mind-bending perspective about a loved one, a pregnancy, an unexpected surgery for weston, a new baby, changes in my church responsibilities, permanently making our new baby our last baby. luckily, through recent conversations i was able to identify a hole in my life. a chasm. a canyon of nothingness. serendipitously, an opportunity for a volunteer position presented itself and it looks like that emptiness will be quickly and meaningfully filled.

then the lesson at church today...so timely and so specific to another aspect of my identity that i thought i had under wraps. so many times people ask me how i do it with 6 small kids and jon gone so much.

i don't like that question.

it makes me feel like i somehow don't fit in with the rest of what's going on around me. others ask if i'm ok that i stay home with our children while jon is out traveling and working. in the beginning of our marriage, it did bother me. a lot. and then i got over myself and embraced my life and loved it and was grateful for it. then somehow self-pity, discontent, and ingratitude took over.

and today those feelings were all vaporized and i'm better. just like that. somehow, just being in a room full of women i admire and respect and talking about the struggles and virtues of womanhood fixed me. much of my current struggle lies in this glaring disconnect between what my mind knows to be true and good and real and what my heart really feels. today my heart remembered and felt the truth of the sanctity and value and import of my identity and my role in our family.

a recent prayer i heard asked that those in attendance would be able to understand and more fully apply the atonement in their lives. i don't know why i keep acting like the atonement only has purpose for me from time to time. it is infinite. it is deep and broad and all-encompassing. maybe i do know why. maybe it's so i can really remember...really remember that the Lord wants for my success and happiness...really remember that i'm not meant to struggle through things on my own...really remember that i know certain to be true. and really remember that struggles are a meaningful part of why we are here. maybe i was having it too easy for a while :)

who knows?

but i'm feeling more like the me i know, just better...wiser? more laid back? more patient? more insightful? i hope so. but i do know i'm no worse for the wear...and feeling much better :)

diet coke is cheaper than therapy...

2011-12-31T13:48:00.000-08:00

and it's also a much better option than staying in bed all day or yelling at our kiddos all day.

jon's gone again...only for a couple of days, but i forgot how difficult winter saturdays can be. and i didn't prepare for it. didn't prep myself emotionally. didn't plan anything for kiddos. no nothin'.

so about an hour ago i packed up our unkempt children and my un-showered self and we headed out. what was the plan? some time out of the house, a diet coke for me and sundaes for them.

and it worked! now we're back at the house and they are painting and listening to the muppets. i am still un-showered and they are still unkempt but i'm not yelling and i feel better. so for me, for today, that equals success.

a funny thing happened on the way to church...

2011-12-15T14:15:00.000-08:00

i'm now the ward historian. that means i'm in charge of recording the happenings of our congregation each year. and to avoid all appearance of hypocrisy i thought it might be a good time to start recording the happenings of our family again :)

there's no better subject to start things off with again than what has been the best thing to happen to our family this christmas season...

singers company!

we love uncle beal. and for so many reasons. she teaches me how to better love my children. she's one of my best friends and everyone's favorite sister and aunt. she really is the best.

and she's been doing this.

so we get to go see this.

and our girlies are as happy as this.

all because of beal.

the end :)

and p.s. i've been driving a passenger van full of little girls to provo every monday since school started so that they could be a part of singers company. and now camille is starting a group in the lehi/highland area on monday afternoons. go here to learn more and register your girlie. it really is spectacular. it even makes jon, mr. bah-humbug himself love christmas :)

remember this...

2011-08-07T15:39:00.000-07:00

from that blog "clover lane" beal showed me once...she's a wise, wise momma :)

1. Getting up earlier than the kids, if at all possible, even for 15 minutes, makes my day magically run so much smoother.
2. number 2 really didn't apply to me so i deleted it :)
3. Planning meals and ingredients and a weekly shopping trip is essential. Trying to think of what to make for dinner at 5 p.m. makes me miserable, as does not having the right ingredients. And hungry children at 6:00 p.m. are really really scary.
4. If I want free time, it MUST be planned. It will never just happen. Someone will always need something. It is up to me to plan for it, and if I complain about not having a minute to myself, I only have one person to blame: me.
5. Positive reinforcement goes much farther than nagging, harping, and criticizing

and here are a few other things i've thought of to do that i know will make a big difference...
1. make dinner and eat with the kiddos even when jon is gone.
2. shower before kiddos get up...they even ask me, "mom, why do you still have your clothes on?" when they wake up and i'm already dressed and showered for the day. they think i never went to sleep :)
3. hug ruby more...today when she was assigned to give the scripture in primary she was shy and didn't want to. she went to give me a hug and i almost didn't, but then i did and then she was fine. i had the distinct impression today that she won't always give me those hugs. HUG HER MORE CALLIE!!!
4. the more the kiddos work and the less stuff they have the happier they are...it's the quickest fix to whiners i've found to date. jon and i realized we've been making the mistake of trying to compensate for all the time he's been gone by doing more or working less or giving them more stuff. it totally backfired. they need routine and consistency and to know their expectations. the end :)

and the winner is....

2010-10-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

Burnside Family!!!

so the first and only giveaway is over. jon picked the name out of a colander...we should have taken a video :) and now i know why i couldn't do giveaways all the time. i wanted to give EVERYONE tickets to the show.

anywho, i'll get the tickets to the Burnside Family and make the blog private in a couple of days. thanks for reading and i'll still be posting over here. peace out y'all!

worth the wait...

2010-10-24T09:53:00.000-07:00

so it's been 3 months since i've posted...i think that might be some sort of record. there are lots of reasons why i haven't been posting, but let's get to the task at hand. this post will definitely have been worth the wait to somebody really soon.

i've NEVER done a giveaway...mostly because i've not ever had anything to give away. i don't think i've ever THOUGHT about doing a giveaway. until the other day. veeda let me know about the yo gabba gabba gang coming to town and the "there's a party in my city" concert scheduled for november 9th at the maverick center. long story short, i bought too many tickets. i can blame it on lots of things...but it's done :) and it's turned into a really great thing...my first (and only) giveaway!

(image from nickjr.com)

what's being given: 5 tickets to the 6pm show on TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 9th
what you need to do to enter: leave a comment, that's it! (only one comment per person 'cause we needs to keeps things on the up and up, you know?)
when it's all over: comments close on friday, october 29th at midnight MST
when you'll know who won: the winner will be randomly chosen and on saturday, october 30th i'll contact the winner and announce it here...it'll be a nice halloween surprise, don't cha think?

the winner can use the tickets however you'd like...use them yourself, give them to some deserving friend(s), invite some other friends, invite some other kiddos...you could do a lot with 5 tickets. i'll contact the winner and request mailing info and pop the tickets in the mail. it's that easy. i guess it might be easier for you if you live in utah, but if you live somewhere else and want to come here for the concert, i've heard it's pretty slammin'.

i've also added some fancy schmancy buttons so you can FB, tweet, and all that other stuff to let lots of people know about what's going on.

so i guess that's it...ready, set, COMMENT!

p.s. after the winner is announced i've decided to go private with the blogaroo...one of the reasons i haven't been posting is that i've been self-editing and thinking about how people will react to what's written instead of just writing to write. i'll be heading back to the whole reason i started blogging...to have an journal online. so it'll just be for me to write and my posterity to read when it's all blurbed and stuff :)

mei, be reasonable...

2010-08-05T22:34:00.000-07:00

that's currently my favorite line from our family's favorite movie...my neighbor totoro. lots of times when our kiddos watch lots of movies they get mean and confused and bored. but i really think that totoro makes them nicer. no joke.

knowing talented people is really fun. veeda threw her daughter a totoro themed birthday a couple of weeks ago and we got to go. i'm still trying to get up the courage to try making our kiddos their own totoro doll. and that hot dog her hubby made...holy moly. check out the whole post here. so, so fun :)

and here's a super cute pic of isaac making dessert sushi that veeda's husband took...it warms my heart how much he's into what he's doing. thanks for the invite guys!

up too late...

2010-07-11T04:02:00.000-07:00

...reading blogs. this was her monday moment and my 4:46am sunday moment :) lots of understanding, respect, perspective and promises.

favorites...
"please know that it is worth it now, then and forever"
"i know deep down inside i am doing God's work"
"yours is the work of salvation and therefore you will be magnified, compensated. made more than you are, better than you are, better than you've ever been"
"you are doing terrifically well"
"rely on Him. rely on Him heavily. rely on Him forever."

when are you getting yours?

2010-07-10T21:39:00.000-07:00

(image from natalie)

i love this woman. lots. i can't believe we met her just over two years ago. they are family.

long story short, pertussis vaccinations are something we can all learn much more about. much aloha norton fam :)

read here for some really importante stuff.

i'm related to all of these people...

2010-06-24T10:28:00.000-07:00

yep. all of them. these are all my siblings, the peeps who have married in so far, and all of our kiddies. we took this the night before weston's surgery (i think). we've been trying to do something like this for a LONG time and finally got 'er done.

the amazing thing is that we did it in about 12 minutes. a storm was coming in, the field's owner was driving towards us, and the children ALMOST outnumber us. so thanks ryan. i think you are officially our family photographer :)

i love everything about this photo. the craziness, the happiness, the closed eyes...everything. we are really loving this time in our lives. and as sue always used to say..."be happy, be thankful, be blessed".

dejavu...

2010-06-21T22:30:00.000-07:00

remember this post with this picture? it was after my sisters finished the top of utah marathon last year. you'd think that i was the one running the race. i'd had a long week and just died for an entire hour while everyone else hung out and recovered from their real marathon. i was just recovering from the marathon of life :)

well, i guess what they say is true. history repeats itself. but this time i feel like i really earned my nap :)

image from megan

last weekend i got to run the wasatch back ragnar relay. i'm still trying to decide how i feel about the whole thing. i mean, it was a HUGE accomplishment for me to participate and finish. but i guess i'm trying to decide if i want to do it again :) it's two days later and my body still hates me.

i was runner 8. all 12 runners on our team had 3 legs to run in a little less than 36 hours. i knew my first leg would be "meh". i'd be nervous and not really know how run a real race. and it was hot. AND i forgot my music and didn't see my team until i was more than half way done. so it was "meh".

my second leg however was something i'll never forget. it really was my dream run...nighttime, downhill, and a little on the chilly side. i usually average between a 11:30 and 12:00 minute mile (i'm really slow). but on this night during this run i ran a 9:46 mile. i still get emotional just thinking about it.

i thought about weston the entire run. about his little heart, his surgery, the past year of our lives, the endless support and love and prayers we've received...and i just ran my little heart out. as fast as i could. and i kept going when my body was screaming at me to stop.

when i crossed the exchange line i asked the ladies from our van what my time was. they said, "11:36". my heart sank to my stomach. but come to find out, they thought i'd asked what time it was. that's when they quickly calculated my pace and told me "9:46".

and i cried.

and hugged megan.

and cried.

and wanted to throw up.

and died in the back seat of the van for the next two exchanges.

the sticker is already on the back of our van and i have to say my life does feel a little more complete knowing that i was a part of that crazy race. AND i'm already thinking about framing the medal with a caption that reads "for westie".

i'm ecstatic for life to slow down to normal crazy instead of this "life on crack" crazy we've been living for so long. my whole being is so full of gratitude for the village of friends and family that's gotten us through this past year.

here's to exhaling :)

the day has arrived...

2010-06-15T08:19:00.000-07:00

that we've been awaiting for such a long time. last night i may have freaked out a little bit. i'm just sayin'...it's hard to wrap my mind around this tight rope walk of faith and fear. but i find that i'm learning the same thing as before. it's all a choice. and i think last night i needed to be scared so that i could be okay today.

to be honest, i'm pretty sure the anesthesiologist thinks i'm a heartless, emotionless shell of a woman :) when they took weston away, i just gave him a kiss and told him goodbye. i didn't have any tears left. and i wasn't scared. i knew that what's happening is to help little man and it's necessary for him to get better. even as the surgeon took us into that tiny room to explain the procedure and disclose the risks, i just nodded and smiled. i didn't have any questions. i've gone over and over in my head 10,000 times what is wrong with his heart, what they'll do to fix it, and all the unimaginable possibilities of what could happen.

so i'm not scared. i don't know what will happen. but this peace that overtakes me whenever i walk into this hospital is the most real thing i've felt in a long time.

this just in...

2010-06-07T14:01:00.000-07:00

so weston's surgery is scheduled for a week from tomorrow...june 15th. tomorrow morning, june 8th, he'll be headed in for a minor same day surgery. just some stuff to get ready for the big shabang. we're feeling good about it all and still so grateful to be so close to some of the best doctors, surgeons, and nurses around. we'll keep you updated :)

never woulda thunk...

2010-06-03T20:34:00.000-07:00

if someone had told me in january that i'd be able to run 9 point something miles in may, i would have laughed in their face. really loud. and really long. i've never really loved running, but lately i've found a nice zone and rhythm. i get why people run and why they like it.

last weekend i ran my first race. come to find out, it might not have been the best choice for a first race. this was definitely NOT one of those fun runs. it was sponsored by a running club in the area. and now i know. running club = in it to win it.

holy moly these people were fast! i ran with megan. we finished 3rd and 4th to last. and all the muffins and apples were gone by the time we crossed the finish line. but we crossed the finish line. and ran the entire way up the mile long hill. those were my goals and i felt good about it. my body hated me for about 4 days though. i still haven't let it know about the wasatch back :)

and ok, ok. i'll post a picture. i hate it. but i know i'll want it to look back on later. the end.

get your BBQ on...

2010-05-23T19:50:00.000-07:00

i've stayed up nights thinking of ways to thank people for all that's been done for our family, and more specifically for me, this past year with weston. i don't think i exhaled until friday afternoon when i pulled the car into the garage after his cardiology appointment and it hit me that i wouldn't have to lug his oxygen tank around anymore. all i had to do was get our baby out of his carseat and walk inside.

so, we've decided to invite you to a BBQ!

i know it's memorial day, but it's our last chance before things go insane with surgeries and trips and birthdays and workshops. so we get it if you can't make it, but if you can we'd love to see you there.

we'll provide the burgers, dogs and steaks and you just have to let me know what side dish you'll be bringing if you can make it. we've also got a trampoline, swingset and inflatable waterslide (if this weather ever starts acting like it's supposed to) for the kiddos.

when: monday, may 31 at 5pm
where: our house

hope to see you there!

and p.s. if you live in the 'hood, it might be best to just walk on over :)

who and what...

2010-05-20T20:32:00.000-07:00

i was reading here tonight after a much needed date with hubby. i felt instantly nostaligic when i saw the video of mary shmich's words that i listened to over and over during my sophomore year of college. it made me think...

of all the time i used to have to think :)
of the person i used to be
and more about who i want to be.

i thought it appropriate to make a list. so i can have it. so i can remember. so i can nail down who and what i really want to be (in no particular order)....

a gracious hostess
funny
considerate
a patient mommy
laid back
a knockout wife
articulate
well read
a good neighbor
a best sister
in tune
a trusted friend
witty
resilient
a consistent runner
a cookbook author
reliable
faithful
a sunday baker
a kind mommy

that's all i can come up with now that kiddos have come in and interrupted my train of thought :) so maybe actually writing this down will get me closer to embodying these qualities than just thinking about them sometimes.

who and what do you want to be?

love it...

2010-05-15T12:17:00.000-07:00

i can't say that i've ever been happier in life than i am at this stage RIGHT NOW. and obviously things aren't perfect, they never are. and maybe that's the secret...

finding joy in the imperfections...

i told a friend the other night that i think it's empowering to do hard things. it makes us stronger and more grateful and the people we are supposed to be.

p.s. little man goes in for surgery in the next 2 or 3 weeks. much thanks for the continued prayers, packages and well wishes. after his repair, we'll be hosting the party of all parties to celebrate this dude's life. we'll keep you posted.

took us long enough....

2010-05-05T15:21:00.000-07:00

so teetee got married. it was SUCH a fun day. and jon got some great pictures of the kiddos. you'll see our first family photo a few pics down. i have to say, it was pretty humbling seeing all of those people and realizing that they are ours. humbling and happy and the best kind of good. these are some of my favorites...

and FINALLY, our first ever family picture...pretty importante :)

the crazies...

2010-05-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

this morning was hard...well until about an hour ago, TODAY was hard. i'm fine now. it always ends up that way. but between a well-timed friend, a MAJOR dose of perspective (that i could only recently draw from) and a good, good man i'm happy to say i can sit down and still see some good from the last 10 hours. here are a few snippets from my day...

i had just walked downstairs when this wave of emotion/depression/hopelessness washed over me and i started bawling like a baby. i turned around and headed to our room and got on my knees. before i could start talking with my Maker to figure out what was going on, jon came in to see what was wrong. it went a little something like this...

jon: why are you crying?
me: ....
jon: callie, what's wrong? why are you crying?
me: i don't know!
jon: what?
me: i have no idea...

i told him i needed him to hold me. and he did. then i looked at him with all the sincerity i could muster (something was REALLY wrong and i NEEDED him to understand) and said, "i feel like i'm going crazy."

then he laughed like he's never laughed before. he said the was THE funniest thing i'd said to him in all our years of marriage. then i cried. and laughed. and cried. and then i took a nap.

sometimes laughter IS the best medicine.

----------------------------

after my aforementioned nap, i was sitting in jon's office checking my email. i was still a little weepy and jon called isaac in to give me a hug. isaac asked why i was crying and i looked at him and told him i didn't know. and he said, "oh, you mean the happy kind of crying?" once again, jon laughed and laughed and laughed. then so did i.

----------------------------

ila has recently become quite the homemaker. in the middle of my nap, she came in and told me over and over that she WANTED to help me fold laundry and put it away. (last week she took all her and ruby's clean clothes of our couch and proceeded to fold, hang up, and put away all of it.) i was too overcome with whatever was happening to take her up on her offer. and just 20 minutes ago she said, "mom, would you mind if i made your bed?" WHAT?!?!

i told her she could help me after i visited the ladies' room. during my visit i heard her say, "mooooooooooooom, i have a surprise for you. close your eyes when you come out." so i did. then she instructed me to open to my eyes. and i did...to a very well made bed and a very pleased little girl.

---------------------------

i don't know what happened to me today. but i'm grateful to feel like my normal self again. i do know i'm ridiculously hormonal, pretty sleep-deprived, and i've got a big decision to make in the next couple of months that is attracting its own share of adversity.

but i also know that life is good. hope keeps me afloat. i need to learn to be as patient with myself as the Lord is. my prayers were answered before any words left my lips. being a mom is hard, but it is the most real and meaningful thing i've ever done.

thank goodness for friends who listen, husbands who laugh, children who love and serve, and a plan of happiness that re-centers my focus. one of my favorite men said this...

"If you understand the great plan of happiness and follow it, what goes on in the world will not determine your happiness."

open for business...

2010-04-29T17:30:00.000-07:00

well, i guess she has been open for business since i first posted about modern verses. but i didn't do a great job of explaining how to buy them. so the timing is perfect to mention this, because megan's doing her first giveaway!

visit her blog here to find out more.

visit her etsy store here to buy some.

and this is my favorite of the new ones she's done. it'll look perfect in the girls' room.

finally...

2010-04-28T12:14:00.000-07:00

i FINALLY posted on the food blog again...and word has it the pictures are going to be LOTS better :)

somebody's growing up...

2010-04-14T13:42:00.000-07:00

can't believe how fast this little man is turning into a not-so-little man. we are all still so in love.

i guess...

2010-04-12T22:02:00.000-07:00

i've turned into one of THOSE blogs...reposting stuff from other blogs. i always thought it was a little funny :) and look at me now!

on a side note this girlie and i happen to share the same name.

her words embody what i'd been struggling with all day. here you go!

images from calico

soooo....

2010-04-07T21:46:00.000-07:00

i've come to a point, in the life of callie, that i'm feeling better than i have in a while. i just had a conversation with a friend about this. and she asked what was motivating me to do some of the things i've started doing again. i told her lots of things...i'm not pregnant, i don't have newborn baby, it's almost spring, the older kiddos have a few of their own things going on so i have a little more time for my own stuff...see? lots of things.

then i realized another reason i'm feeling so motivated. i've found a really good friend. (she's going to DIE when she reads this post.) but it's true. and i think as young, busy moms that good friends are hard to make and keep. but in the past months i'm glad to say that i've added another good friend to my list...that easy kind of friendship, you know? where you both understand each other's lives are busy...where it's automatically comfortable...where you have the most important things in common...where you can pick up right where you left off...

so enough of the babbling. (i can just FEEL how embarrassed she is right now.) the POINT of this post is to share something. when i find something good i LOVE to share it.

my good friend megan showed me something today that you need to see. it's simple and powerful. it's beautiful but understated.

and i love it.

i just get lost in the possibilities of what to do with these...
and here are some that she's framed as well.

i don't know when she'll start selling these, but i'm glad to be one of the first to show them to you.

so much simple, powerful truth.

which one is YOUR favorite?

you can go to her blog here. keep bugging her until you can buy one :)

ila likes boys....

2010-04-02T16:31:00.001-07:00

ila: hey andrew! you wanna watch our plants grow with me?

andrew: sure!

they watched our seedlings grow for 3 minutes. then they started measuring them. and ila was smiling soooooooo big the entire time. sigh...

best sisters...

2010-03-25T07:58:00.000-07:00

i was REALLY fortunate to grow up in a family of 6 children. it's even better that we have all come to the point that we LOVE hanging out together. and now jon and i are fortunate to be enjoying some time when these two are best sisters...like best friends, but sisters too.

they're at a place where they can just hang out and and play together all day, especially if it's just them with no one to throw things off. so here's to the down times of parenting when your kiddos are getting along and here's to best sisters!

this picture is actually from one of my sisters' wedding. my mom made their cute little dresses and bouquets too...family is the bestest :)

i'm rolling...

2010-03-23T19:45:00.000-07:00

isaac: mom why don't you ever sleep with me? we can...

me: (interrupting him) because your bed's not comfy...we can what?

isaac: we can hang out and talk about each other

2 seconds later...

me : (shaking his hand to be funny) nice to meetcha!

isaac: girls don't shake hands...they kiss! unless they're teenagers.

???

it's nice to be home :)

back in the hospital so i'm back to blogging...

2010-03-23T11:35:00.000-07:00

dear lulu (AKA lulubug & bug),

we are watching you change before our eyes. i can't figure out why we're noticing it more than with the other kiddos. but every day, little by little, we see you transform from a baby into a little girl. you're talking in complete sentences. you know what you want and how to tell us all about it. you're sitting at the table with us at meals. you know when you're left out of something the big kids get to do.

you're basically crazy...and we love it. at least once a day you'll grab one of our faces and pull us in close and say,"hi! hi! hi! hi! hi!" while you toss your head back and forth. see? totally crazy...but it's the best kind of crazy that keeps us laughing all the time.

you love dance parties with daddy and the girls. we practiced for weeks before teetee's wedding and you danced your little booty off at the reception. i can't say that i've seen you happier.

just a warning: i think you might be a little OCD. you won't let me put you down for a nap or bed without you turning all the light switches on and off three times on the way down to your room. but at the same time you won't let me leave without you giving me the cutest kiss AND a hug before i close the door. if i forget the hug, we have to start everything over again :)

i'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact you'll be starting preschool in the fall. they will love you. and that's the thing. EVERY person who's interacted with our family, even a little bit, says that all of our kiddos are so fun and cute. but then they always add, "but man, that lulu...she's our favorite". you're so outgoing and social for an almost three year old and we LOVE that about you.

i get to spend a little more time with just you a couple of times a week in the morning when the other kiddos are at school. and when i can finally convince you that staying home will be just as fun as tine or beal's house, we have the best time. sometimes you come up to me in the kitchen if i'm trying to get ahead for dinner and say,"mommy, you cooking food? i help mommy?". other days we'll just both lay on the floor and watch whatever show YOU want to watch without having to fight with other siblings. but most days you just run around upstairs going back and forth between isaac and the girls' rooms SO happy they're not there telling you that you can't come in and play.

we named you after a character in one of our favorite movies. we'll have to tell you the whole story sometime, but here's the short version. at the end of the movie, the main character gives birth to her first child. she hadn't really been able to embrace becoming a mother for lots of reasons, but when she saw her child's face for the first time, she cried. she held her baby and cried. and then said, "lulu, your name is lulu. and we're going to have so. much. fun." that's you bug. and so far we're having the time of our lives :)

dear...

2010-03-19T15:54:00.000-07:00

dear viruses of the universe,

we are in a fight. forever. leave our baby alone.

sincerely,
weston's mom

ruby lou...

2010-02-24T13:40:00.000-08:00

so ruby lou,

now it's your turn. i get emotional just thinking about the wonderful person you're already becoming. at my parent teacher conference with mrs. smart she only had amazing things to say about you, but i'll never forget this. she said, "ruby is one of my students that makes it worth coming in every morning." we've seen nothing but improvement in you since you started there. you know all your letters and sounds and numbers and you're flying through your books. we love to see how much you love to learn.

you have the biggest, most kind, tender, and giving heart of any person i know...no joke. you are always the first one to give up your toy or treat to make someone else happy. you are always concerned about everyone else before yourself. and at the same time you don't let us forget that you are VERY independent and say "i want to do it by, by my, myself." love it :)

i can already tell you're a lot like your lola...so kind to everyone, so often looking out for everyone else, and always ready for a new adventure. we love you so much ruby and we're blessed to have your sweet little spirit in our home.

i'm excited...

2010-02-24T13:14:00.000-08:00

about scallop recipes i've seen lately. i LOVE scallops but for some reason i'm also a bit (VERY) intimidated by them. here's to conquering kitchen fears!

image from food for thought

image from White Lotus Cooks

just wanted to letcha know...

2010-02-21T18:58:00.000-08:00

we are home...all of us...all 7 of us....in our home. that's it :)

a little update...

2010-02-20T10:14:00.000-08:00

so weston is officially out of the PICU. they'll probably keep him here a few more days because he's still not eating all that well and they are suctioning TONS and TONS of junk out of little dude's lungs.

many thanks for all the kind words, thoughts, and prayers offered on his and our behalf. just know that we ALWAYS pray that you and your families are extra special blessed for all you've done for us. hopefully you can feel those prayers too. and as a really good friend always says, "God IS good".

ila's next...

2010-02-18T14:37:00.000-08:00

dear ila,

mommy, or as you like to call me, "momma" has some more down time at the hospital with weston and it's your turn for a letter. you're in mrs. flack's class in preschool right now and i think you're one of her favorites. i quote,"she's a delight in class and i'm so happy to have her." uncle beal can't believe how well you're reading and you even read to westie sometimes.

you have your daddy's smile...SUPER big and SUPER contagious. and you're detail oriented like mommy. i watched you clean your room one day. you took your time to put everything in it's place. you're also my new morning helper now. you love to set the table for breakfast and give everyone their gummy vitamins and juice. you'll be a really good "momma" to your own babies one day.

and you are GIRLY. you love pink. you love tea parties. we did everything in our power to keep barbies away from you as long as we could, but somehow you finagled a way to get not one, but two from grandma jeanne and three from santa this year.

and that's another thing. you know what you want and do everything you can to get it. you get that from daddy for sure. but sometimes i wonder what grandma ila, beepa's mom, was like. maybe you get it from her too. at least i know that someday it'll come in handy for something besides taking toys and treats from your siblings.

we love you so much ila. and we can always count on that smile of yours to brighten things up around the house. don't grow up too fast.

what's for dinner?

2010-02-17T14:42:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER: this post will probably be a COMPLETE bore for most. but you see, me and food are tight like this. so it gets lots of attention around here. if you're not into it we can still be friends...maybe :)

i'm running low on photos with all this time in the hospital and so many blog posts. this was the only other food image i had...and i'm pretty sure i was OBSESSED with these potatoes for a week. really, i think i made them for lunch 4 times in a row. sooooooo good.

one of the benefits of being in the PICU this time 'round was getting to do one of my FAVORITE things of all time: plan our meals. i usually only do it a week at a time, but i managed to get three weeks taken care of the other day. so here's what we're eating the first week we get westie home...

spaghetti, green salad, and yummy bread
(this spaghetti sauce is magic and one of the few things i can call 100% mine...it's so good the kiddos don't even notice the whole wheat noodles they're eating with it)

milanesa with lemon, ensalada russa, and green salad
(i lived in uruguay for a while and this is what i make when i miss it)

grilled steak, quinoa with garlic & hazelnuts, and green beans

potstickers, sesame noodles, sticky rice, and garlic broccoli

salmon cakes, pilaf, and peas
(i'll have to post the recipe for these soon...better than my crab cakes)

cleaning out the camera...

2010-02-15T14:38:00.000-08:00

one night in the beginning of january we were about to go to bed and jon said, "do you want to clean out and reorganize the kitchen?" um, really?!? it was the best "date" we'd had in a long time. three hours of pulling stuff out, throwing stuff away and the putting it all back. and i have to say...it still looks pretty much like the "after" pictures. this one below is the "before"...

what i like to call "after #1"

"after #2"

another "before"

this is my FAVORITE "after"

and this is just a random one from some dinner in january...i'm kinda hungry right now and antsy to get back in the kitchen. i made a meal plan for the next 3 weeks today :)

best brothers making the same face...dude, i love these boys.

making westie laugh

the master of sitting up on his own and the signature scrunchy nose

and jon may or may not have gotten a pedicure with a perafin wax...i'm just saying.

it warmed my "i don't read enough to my own kids so they have to read to each other" heart to come downstairs and find this the other day

and the NEXT day i came down to find this...the power of example :)

it's a slow day here at the PICU...

2010-02-15T12:52:00.000-08:00

weston's about the same today and extubation is not happening anytime soon, so i'm blogging :)

westie opened his eyes for about 5 minutes last night right before i came home. that was the longest he's had his eyes opened and focused on me since he's been here (little dude is pretty sedated) and then i realized why...he wanted to tell you all something. THANK YOU!

lulu is still as crazy as ever. no joke, she is her father reincarnate. and it really is the best thing ever.

ruby's rockin' out here as always...this little munchkin LOVES music and LOVES to move. right now her favorite songs for dance parties with dad are "all the single ladies" and "party in the USA". don't judge :) music taste goes out the window when kiddos come on board.

here's ila and her SUPER contagious smile. i have to say she wins the award for the most catchphrases in the family...chuckanuckle, "jes", and now her laugh "teh, heh". she's also AMAZING at cleaning her room (when i can get her to do it). this morning she snuggled up in bed and said, "mom! i have to show you something!" me, "what is it babes?" ila, "my room is sooooooo clean!" LOVE it!

and isaac wanted to give you a whoopie pie. well, sorry. not really. we made them last week. they were okay...not spectacular, just okay. i need to find a different recipe that's mostly butter instead of shortening. i think one of my new favorite things is cooking and baking treats with the kiddos. and word to the wise...they actually WILL eat it if they help to make it. dinner has been much less of a fight lately :)

for isaac...

2010-02-15T09:00:00.000-08:00

dear isaac,

mom's in the hospital a lot now and westie's just resting so i wanted to write you a letter. i was looking at pictures of you just yesterday and saw how crazy it is how much you've grown up. i still remember holding you at night in that burgundy recliner gammy bought for us when you were born. the funny thing is, i used to get so mad that you wouldn't sleep in your bed. lucky for me, you still LOVE to give hugs. and you're the best cuddler when you're sick.

dad beat tank last week and you're still telling everyone about it. i can't say that i've seen anything funnier than you standing on the stairs, peeking around the wall so you can BARELY see what's going on with the game. you stick out your tongue and cross all your fingers. you're so INTO it. but you only want dad to play. and i'll be honest, i think he likes it that way.

you're reading a book a day now. you retain things so well. and yesterday you told everyone how much you really, really, really, really like natalie. i hope she's nice to you :)

isaac, you've been the BEST big brother to westie...you're even the one who first called him that. you know all about oxygen and breathing machines and surgeries and hospitals. and one of your favorite things to do is to hold little dude.

dad and i were talking last night about how special you are to us. you're our first kiddo, our first son and an amazing one at that. isaac, i LOVE you. i'm glad you came to our family :)

love letters...

2010-02-14T11:08:00.000-08:00

dear hubby,
thank you for the flowers last night...even though when we first got married i told you never to buy me flowers because i thought they were a waste...you are now a mind reader and let me renig. i love you.

dear family,
you're still the best.

dear people who leave comments on the blog and facebook,
your words are powerful to me. when i feel like it's all been a little too much, i read and re-read your kind, kind words.

dear PCMC,
thank you for being the best at your jobs. it makes leaving at night SO much easier.

dear market street,
thank you for being located 3 minutes from this PICU world. i know i can always rely on you for a great meal at the bar and half an hour to myself to think of nothing but you and your sabayon.

dear nike plus mini,
give me a break. YOU are the one who let ME down. i knew it was over as soon as you told me i ran 4.8 miles and you LIED...we checked and it was only 3.8 miles. running distance is NOT to be trifled with. i think we're done.

dear atherton,
thank you for making the drive to and from the hospital not so tough. yesterday i think i belted out your lyrics and had a good cry all in the same minute. (people, you need to listen to this music...LIFE CHANGING).

dear knitting,
i'm pretty sure we're breaking up too. i brought you to the hospital to make something for our westie to feel like i was contributing SOMETHING. but my brain doesn't work that way. it looks like my one night stands with cooking will have to do for now.

dear bloggy blog,
you're so good to me. and i'm glad i have you to be my sounding board and work out all the stuff buzzing around in my head.

dear weston,
thank you for being better today. you're a fighter. we love you.

and HAPPY VALENTIME'S DAY...i think that's what i'll call it until our kiddos realize it's something different :)

family is the best....

2010-02-13T12:42:00.000-08:00

(bubba, i need a picture of you!)

so some of these pics are RIDICULOUSLY old but that's not the point. the point is that family is the best...and more specifically, OUR family is amazing. not that we're without drama or trials or any of the normal stuff, but i tend to forget how uncommon what we all have is....

my mom is a 9 minute drive away, my dad is a pretty accessible (for him) flight away, jon's mom lives with us, all my siblings and their kiddos live within a 45 mile radius. AND we like to be with each other.

they all showed up at the hospital today to see my dad who was here for about 12 hours and to check in on little Westie. i know it was a hassle to pack up kiddos and sacrifice a saturday morning, but everyone was here...and kiddos did TONS better once we found the room with disney and a vending machine :)

as far as little man, weston is doing a LITTLE better. lots of things have happened since the last post, but it's really all mumbo jumbo for most people. a LITTLE better is a BIG deal to us. getting worse is NOT what we want. he's turned a corner and now it's really all about keeping his lungs clear with LOTS of suctioning and then helping his little body to breathe on its own.

again thank you, thank you, thank you. until next time...

waiting...

2010-02-12T12:05:00.000-08:00

so before i finish this bag of kettle corn all by myself, i think it's time to start decluttering my mind and my heart.

waiting in the PICU is a strange thing. it's GREAT in the sense that things are staying the same or if you're lucky, they're getting better. but now i find my mind wandering and asking myself questions that i don't know the answers to.

because sometimes there are miracles and sometimes there are not.

i already know that "WHY?" is the least productive question on the planet. so i'm not even touching it.

it's all so relative here...low flow, high flow, intubation, life support, brain activity, oxygen saturations, spontaneous breathing trials...but one thing is the same. the faces of parents with a kid in this hospital. we smile knowingly as we pass in the halls, silently communicating that we're sorry, we know what you're going through, hang in there...

and nobody's sorrow is really deeper than anyone else's because it is theirs. it's all they know. and it's hard.

and all these prayers? how is it that verbally expressing our desires and well wishes to our Maker in behalf of loved ones and even strangers REALLY makes a difference? all i know is that it does. we can FEEL your prayers. sometimes i don't even notice it and sometimes it's overwhelming and keeps me hanging on.

and what about those who are doing this alone? who don't have their families, neighborhoods, and virtual friends rooting for them? i thought about them on sunday before this all happened. i wanted to let them know, whoever and wherever they are, that i think about them alot. alot more now that we're here.

i know we're lucky.
i know my kids are happy and having the time of their lives with aunties and cupcakes and sleepovers.
i know these people doing their jobs in this hospital are the best of the best.
i know sometime (i don't know when) i'll look back and i'll have learned something priceless.
i KNOW God is patient in my times of weakness.
and i know He already knows everything i'm trying to sort out.

and remembering all of this is when the peace comes. peace is more potent than understanding. peace is more powerful than my own weakness. peace obliterates the fear.

i forgot...

2010-02-11T11:07:00.000-08:00

i forgot what he looks like without a mask over his face.

and i forgot what a microcosm the PICU is. it was never as hard to leave as it was last night and i was petrified to come back in this morning. they put him on a bipap, which is the next step from the cpap and the last chance to help him breathe before they have to intubate and put him on a ventilator. we'll do whatever we need to so that he can breathe, but intubation scares the bejeezus out of me.

that's my problem this time around. it wasn't hard for me before to be faithful. it was easy to leave every night knowing that he'd be ok. i don't know that he'll be ok this time. it's harder to find that peace that i took for granted before. i've been told to "let the Spirit chase out the fear". i'm trying.

the fear is overwhelming in a way i've not experienced before....

and now it's an hour and half later.

they're intubating. it's not so scary now that they're actually going to do it. the attending who made the call has a 10 month old baby. i could tell he had tried to think of everything that could be done before he had to make this decision.

jon's on his way up now. i'm really ok, but i just don't want to be alone anymore.

"thank you" doesn't even come close to expressing what we feel for all the support, prayers, meals, babysitting, and blessings that are ours. let's invent a new word to take care of that :)

it's been a while...

2010-02-10T10:02:00.000-08:00

monday night i ran with friends, picked another friend up, went to dinner and was home by 10. weston started with a cough three days earlier and from 7pm to 3am that night got exponentially worse. i took him to the ER at primary's around 330 that morning and they admitted him to the PICU around 10 am. it's now wednesday afternoon and here we are...

weston's breathing on the CPAP with a little sedation and is pretty much staying the same...which is a VERY GOOD THING. we want to keep him on the CPAP and try to move him back down to high flow and then regular oxygen. if he gets worse he'll have to be intubated and put on a ventilator. with heart babies that's especially significant because once they are on, they're buggers about getting off :)

they're also putting his feeding tube in today so he'll have nutrition. and he'll be getting a blood transfusion to increase his red blood cell count to aid in his oxygenation.

this really all has been a blessing in disguise. if he had been operated on and had already contracted RSV but hadn't been symptomatic, his recovery from the surgery would have been 10,000 times more difficult for his little body. so God hears prayers. and He knows what He's doing. and He blesses us in ways we never expect.

it turns out lulu does NOT have RSV but has asthma symptoms. the doctor was hesitant to say she has asthma. i guess they wait to diagnose it for sure until they've had a couple of episodes like hers. she's really cute when she does her breathing treatments. jon calls it her "pretty air". i think she likes having something that is hers and no one else's.

we feel peace. we feel your prayers. and we know that whatever happens we really will be okay. we also know that there are lots of other babies and kiddos much worse off than little westie. i pray for them too. we love you and will keep you updated.

outtakes...

2009-12-30T21:13:00.000-08:00

and yes, that's how you spell it. i know it looks wrong but wikipedia tells me different. the end.

i really love our little family...

adding insult to injury...

2009-12-30T20:56:00.000-08:00

little dude kept pulling tubes out of himself that he wasn't supposed to. so they put his arms in what i think they called "no-no bands". it's like a straight jacket for his arms that make it impossible for him to bend his arms. and they try to make them cute with the animal print, but it doesn't help. i just couldn't stop laughing when he looked at me like, "mom, really? i already have all this crap in me and now this?" i think laughing helps me not cry :)

very timely...

2009-12-28T14:02:00.000-08:00

last night i was overwhelmed...i'm okay now. but last night, not so much. good food makes me happy so on the way home from the hospital i stopped for a nice meal all by my lonesome. that happens a lot...going out to eat by myself. sometimes i like the idea of not having to plan or prepare a meal. and come on, who doesn't like being waited on?

as i was getting out of the car i was overcome by this wave of emotion...weston was in the PICU, jon's phone was dead and he couldn't talk, and i'd hit a wall. i was scared. i didn't feel strong. and i was completely giving in to feeling sorry for myself. by the time i reached the entrance of the restaurant, i was ready to turn around. but then i heard beth orton crooning to me over the restaurant's speakers..."listen girl, you shouldn't feel so alone".

so i didn't. i walked in, sat down at the bar, ordered a meal that i'd never cook for myself and pulled out my book.

i always have at least one (sometimes two) books with me wherever i go. i never know when i'll have a couple minutes to get a few pages in. and i'll admit it. i read at stoplights.

anyway...right now one of the books in my purse is "don't try this at home: culinary catastrophes from the world's greatest chefs". the title is what attracted my attention. and it's always good to remember that even the best of us have really bad days. i read the first chapter at dinner and the message was very timely. here's my new mantra...

"Everyday is a new challenge, a new adventure, and you must never be complacent; you must always be on your toes, ready to deal with the unexpected, ready to respond - with as cool a head as you can - to whatever surprise comes."

- Ferrán Andrià

and although this culinary master was dealing with spoiled lobsters and 3200 people to feed, it's the principle of the thing. i don't do well with change. i like feeling in control and being prepared. i'm not that great at adapting. but i'm realizing life won't be as enjoyable if i can't take things as they come and remember the important things that i've already learned...

peace is a choice...
faith and fear cannot co-exist...
the Lord has given us all the tools we need to overcome
the hard stuff that comes our way.

it just hit me...

2009-10-28T19:49:00.000-07:00

***DISCLAIMER***
this post was NOT written to solicit compliments. i don't want them :)
i just needed to write this down in case i forget it later.

5 kiddos in 7 years (one of those pregnancies being twinners) equals 3.08 years of being pregnant...160 weeks....40 months....1120 days of being pregnant. sheesh! i think i'm going to cut myself a little slack when it comes to the whole "how i think about my body" thing.

i used to wish that i was one of those women whose body literally bounced back after growing a baby inside of her. but in the last couple of days i've become okay with the fact that i'm not. seeing some recent pictures of myself made me realize i don't really look like i thought i did...but i'm pretty sure that happens to most of us, right?

but another thing happened in seeing those pictures. i noticed something else that was different than i thought it was. i've never seen myself so happy...like a good, comfortable, deep and abiding kind of happy.

and to be honest it really hasn't always been that way...and not that i ever had any real problems with depression or anything, but it took me a bit longer than most to figure out the whole lasting happiness thing...uganda, the mission, and jon all had A LOT to do with finally getting that down.

and now i realize that these 5 little munchkins are kind of like the cherry on top. something about the hardness and the happiness that is the five canlas kiddos took my self consciousness away and i know, not feel, but i know that what i look like doesn't really matter like i thought it did.

i mean i know i have pounds i need to shed to be healthier, but in the past few days it's become clear to me that loosing those pounds won't necessarily make me happier. i'm happy now. the end.

BOO!

2009-10-27T15:00:00.000-07:00

so i forgot i took this quasimodo picture when my face had a mind of it's own...sooooo scary and sooooo not cute. now that my face is back to normal it's almost funny...almost :)

i heart technology...

2009-10-15T13:13:00.001-07:00

it really is amazing. i can even remember getting my first email account freshman year of college in '97...yikes! and i'm not saying i'm savvy or anything...proficient? yes. savvy? no.

so because of technology, i downloaded and am now listening to this. it really lifted my spirits and gave me a little boost to be nice even though i'm not feeling so hot.

because of technology i can show you this. my sister has some amazing connection and started this discount jean business with her friend. if the words true religion, rockin' republic, or laguna beach mean anything to you, you need to contact her at {ijustcantseemtogetenough@gmail.com}. they even have trying on parties and if you host one, you'll get 10% of the profits from the orders. ***and i just found out how much these jeans usually cost...$350...GEEZOLA!!! but they sell them for $60 each...whatever size, whatever brand, whatever pair...$60 each. so if you have ever even thought about purchasing a pair of these fancy shmancy jeans or have even ever dreamt of owning a pair, now's your chance ladies!

because of technology i can also tell you about this. my other sister (along with the jean company sister) have been volunteering for Women in Philanthropy, a branch of United Way. They are in charge of gathering donated items, experiences, and services for various auctions at an annual gala Women in Philanthropy hosts to raise money for organizations that support women and children in Utah County. If you are a local business and are interested in donating an item, experience, or service for the gala, contact beal at {bootstothemoon@gmail.com}.

and best of all, because of technology i got a text today at 1:10 pm that said, "you'll never guess...we are DONE! we will be home in like 30!" jon finished his shoot early and wasn't supposed to home til 5.

so today especially, i heart technology.

it happened already?

2009-10-11T21:04:00.000-07:00

today was a long day for isaac. last night we had a late movie night (bedknobs and broomsticks) with soda and pizza and more candy than i think we've ever had in our house, and little dude was crazy tired today. one thing led to another and around 830 i found myself standing outside his door holding it closed while he was crying and yelling on the other side, and i quote, "mom! i hate you!"

ouch.

and i know he didn't mean it. i know it was his delirious state of exhaustion that was in control. i can't even say that it hurt my feelings...i'd just gotten a big dose of perspective watching nie nie on oprah and was feeling especially calm and collected :) i just didn't think i'd hear that phrase for a few more years.

then at around 930 tonight i found myself in front of that same door holding little man in my arms...and he was crying again. but they were tears of regret. he was sorry and i knew he meant it.

he must get it from his dad. they are both so quick to apologize and tell me they are sorry. this is definitely a "like father, like son" characteristic i'm loving right now. i married a good man. the end.

favorite quotes from the past few days.....

2009-09-27T20:31:00.000-07:00

FAVORITE QUOTE #1
i went to urgent care for some eye pain i was having. once the doctor came in and i'd told him what had been happening he said, "ok, let's just rule out herpes lesions."
(i guess if you have a cold sore or canker sore it can spread to your eyes. random.)

FAVORITE QUOTE #2
i was checking out at gap...
cashier: how are you?
me: i'm great! i just found 5 pairs of jeans that fit!
cashier: oh...(pause) are they long and lean?
me: yep.
cashier: yeah, those are my mom's favorites too. she loves them.

FAVORITE QUOTE #3
family was over for dinner tonight and before they left my sister was singing with her little 2 year old...you know...you sing a little and they finish the phrase? this was part of nigel's version of "i love to see the temple"

beal: i love to see the...
nigel: temple
beal: i'll go inside some...
nigel: day
beal: to feel the holy...
nigel: spirit
beal: to listen and to...
nigel: play (pray)
beal: for the temple is a house of...
nigel: god
beal: a place of love and...
nigel: booty (beauty)

the song goes on but i'll stop there. totally awesome. and p.s while nigel was saying the prayer for dinner...he totally burped :) soooooo funny. i'm still laughing. the end.

he makes people want to have babies....

2009-09-27T17:00:00.000-07:00

...everyone but me :)

drugs...

2009-09-19T16:43:00.001-07:00

that's what micah calls this photo. three of my sisters ran the top of utah marathon on saturday. after everyone had crossed the finish line and we'd all had lunch, i crashed...like i've never crashed before. and i think i only slept for an hour or so, but i was gone.

and i guess during my much needed rest, my family ensued to have a little fun at my expense :) the drugs are for the "s-i joint dysfunction" i was diagnosed with last week...i know...it make me sound so old. but i guess it's pretty normal for women who've carried babies in their bodies.

to be honest, when i saw this picture for the first time, i laughed out loud. it's funny. and i do hope to be off my drugs soon. it feels like life is almost back to our "normal" crazy instead of the "i wonder if i'm really going to loose my mind" crazy. and that's a good thing. the end.

when did this happen?

2009-09-14T14:49:00.001-07:00

i guess this was the last shot that jon took of isaac his first day of school...and this is what he did when jon told him to smile. you think this kiddo's had his picture taken a lot? i love my little family.

interesting...

2009-09-09T13:42:00.000-07:00

jon's doing a scholarship for his workshop. not a give-away mind you...the entrants had to submit and image capturing the essence of utah on film. i'm surprised at the results so far. what do you think?

and p.s. that is a portrait of the most hard-working, say less-do more, salt of the earth man i've ever encountered in my life...i guess he was a "grandpa-in-law" to me. if any of our children manage to acquire even a miniscule amount of the industry and no-nonsense personality that grandpa judd or any of his posterity possess, i'll never have to worry about their well being. ever.

i can't stand it...

2009-09-05T11:35:00.001-07:00

to be honest, sometimes i forget they are twins....you know, born at the same time? and sometimes i think that's the only thing they have in common...hanging out in my belly together for 9 months. and then sometimes i catch little glimpses like this one and i have high hopes that they'll be each other's best friend.

how i know i'm a mother of five...

2009-09-05T10:54:00.000-07:00

1. i know EXACTLY what filling a bottle with 4 ounces of water sounds like...i'm not kidding...EXACTLY. i mean i'll double to check to make sure, but i'm right on about 99% of the time.

2. at any given location, i can distinguish each of my children's cries/whines from among the 50 other children there at the same time.

3. i can function, even thrive, on anywhere from 2-5 hours of interrupted sleep and even be happy about it.

4. i drive this awesome piece of machinery and it's FABULOUS.

5. i'm fluent in all things kiddos...toys, shows, i'm working on books, places of entertainment, etc...

6. i know that my laundry might never be done...ever...but last night jon told me we should hire someone to help me out...i'm still deciding how i feel about that :)

7. my deepest joy lies in helping these little people learn how to be happy themselves...

p.s. brion and nicole, this last pic if for you guys. most awesome onesie EVER.

i am completely and totally 100% in love...

2009-08-27T07:35:00.001-07:00

gotta love the signature scrunchy nose...and yes, jon took one and i took the other one :)

and this little dude starts kindergarten today...i like that our family is growing up.

she did it...

2009-08-16T20:38:00.000-07:00

so, i climbed the mountain...or i guess i should say we climbed the mountain. but i think most importantly, SHE climbed that mountain. i can't say that i've ever had a more metaphoric experience in my life. when i read stephanie's post inviting readers to join her, i knew i had to go...i even had another name pop into my head and knew that person needed to go and that we'd do it together.

i've had a hard time deciding how i feel about the experience. i was super excited about doing it and super grateful for the last minute baby watching my mom and mother-in-law offered up. four other ladies from the neighborhood joined in at the last minute and that made it even more fun. we got there just in time to get a good parking spot and then waited a few minutes until stephanie's dad welcomed everyone there.

then stephanie stood at the head of the trail to greet all the hikers on our way up. she was brave and she was glowing. the emotion of it all overwhelmed me and when i reached her i had no words. what could i say in that short amount of time that would make her understand the change she sparked in me and in so many other people?

you could see her little body was fragile but when i saw her eyes...i can't get the image of her eyes out of my head. the strength, the light, the courage, and something i can't put into words.

even writing this now, i wonder about the propriety of it all. i felt that way when i was there too; as if i was intruding on this very special and very personal event. but then the balloons were let go. and i realized it was a celebration...and a triumph.

the anniversary of their crash is the anniversary of the best decision of my life (7 years today). i don't know that our anniversary will pass without remembering her. and as we walked down the mountain and watched the sun disappear, i felt a strange sense of closure. it hit me how different i am from the scared and insecure girl who arrived in that little town more than a decade ago. it made me grateful for life lessons and the infinite chances our maker gives us to become the person he sees we can become. god bless nie and god bless her little family. there's a special place in heaven for all of them :)

any takers?

2009-08-14T22:24:00.000-07:00

(click on image)

i REALLY want to do this, but don't want to go by myself. and i've never hiked the Y before...i think it would be fitting...and meaningful...and something i'd never forget.

i'm glad...

2009-08-13T23:21:00.000-07:00

today jon realized he'd lost his wallet. long story short, he's leaving town soon and NEEDS his wallet. we ended up saying a little prayer as a family to find it. about 15 minutes later, we did.

when jon was saying the prayer it was nostalgic. you know how you always have that story told at EVERY family home evening about that one time that mom or dad couldn't find so and so but then they said a prayer and found it? that was the first time it happened in OUR family...in the family that jon and i are growing. i felt glad.

isaac was even jumping up and down saying, "i feel so happy inside!" but to be honest i still haven't decided if it was because the prayer was answered or because he'd misinterpreted a bribe to help us find the wallet. either way, i still felt glad.

ila said a little thank you prayer after we found it...and that's all she said...in about 3 different ways. "we thank thee we found daddy's wallet...we thank thee we founded daddy's wallet...we thank thee daddy has his wallet...".

i'm glad that i can say, with a heart full of gratitude, that i love being mom to these crazy little kiddos.

p.s. i'm also glad we got to see food, inc. tonight. for the first time i really internalized the importance of organic. whole foods, here i come! and i just found one 15 minutes away :)

a little awkward...

2009-08-07T11:04:00.000-07:00

i think buying contraception is a bit awkward in and of itself, especially when it is your sole purchase for the evening. but then it gets a little more uncomfortable when you can't find them and have to ask where they are...then just imagine once you have mustered up the courage to ask someone (and then finally found a woman to ask) she tells you, "oh, they're over by the pharmacy. i'll have to unlock them for you."

i almost cut my losses and ran. but i'm mature, right?

then it dawned on me...once she'd unlocked the cabinet she would have to wait there and observe me making my choice before she could put the goods back under lock and key. so i took a big breath and turned to that aforementioned maturity that had kept me from running in the first place, and i made my selection.

on the way to the register i realized the experience had all been a little much, so i decided to remedy the situation with an additional purchase...

(haagen dazs vanilla swiss almond)

but when i got home i discovered i'd bought this instead...

(haagen dazs chocolate peanut butter)

i think the trauma of the experience has me converted*
to the healing power of peanut butter and chocolate.

*author's note: prior to this experience the author did not consume peanut butter unless in pb&j form. and always with a cold glass of milk. no chocolate.

perspective...

2009-07-31T22:24:00.000-07:00

this is just another reason i'm endlessly grateful for my family...

my...

2009-07-29T20:17:00.000-07:00

lover...

my love...

my life.

i have no words...

2009-07-17T22:48:00.001-07:00

milestone...

2009-07-10T23:58:00.000-07:00

i think i hit a milestone with isaac today. and i've definitely come to believe that the lord blesses us with what we need when we need it...not before, not after, just EXACTLY when we need it. lately, i've been blessed with an added measure of patience. less yelling on my part, more understanding, and lots more cuddling...i don't know why i didn't do it before (especially the cuddling part).

long story short: isaac was having a HARD day. he'd already been sent to his room multiple times and was still hitting sisters and still not listening. so he got send to his sisters' room...the one that has the door knob reversed with the lock on the outside. little dude was NOT happy about it. he had to go the bathroom so i let him out and i decided it was time to talk a bit.

as i tried to explain to him WHY we need to be nice and WHY we need to listen, it wasn't working. he kept trying to justify/explain/transfer blame. then the inspiration came and i said this and was filled with more love than i've felt in a really long time. "isaac, it isn't about anything of what you just said. it's about how we treat people and how that makes them feel. and we always want people around us to feel happy."

something changed and he got it. he got on my lap and cried and said he was sorry. then he wanted me to hold him. at first i thought he said he didn't want me to hold him...but he did. and i did. and then i cried too.

i'm grateful for what happened tonight because it's changed how i see our kids. they are sensitive to truth just like we are. and tonight, it was the truth that touched isaac's little 5 year old heart and my 30 year old heart as well.

"as good as it gets"

2009-07-10T13:26:00.000-07:00

that's what weston's cardiologist said about him today. that he's as good as it gets for a baby who has TOF with absent pulmonary valve. it made me so happy...and relieved. as long as he keeps eating well and gaining weight, we're looking anytime between november and february for his surgery. so again, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for everything that's been done, thought about, and prayed for on our family and weston's behalf. we are forever changed for the better because of you.

our boys...

2009-07-07T19:17:00.001-07:00

so isaac LOVES little westie. once, isaac stopped mid-tantrum to give him a kiss on his head and said, "oh mom! he's just so cute i can't handle it!". it warms my heart.

our funniest home video...

2009-07-01T19:14:00.000-07:00

so if isaac ever makes it big in baseball, he has me to thank for it...really. i was returning some stuff at target tonight and saw this teeball set in the return carts. i bought it, brought it home and this happened during the first ten minutes of him swinging without the tee. gotta love it :)

the half-davis boys...

2009-06-30T23:09:00.001-07:00

so my maiden name is davis and these are all the boy cousins on my side, thus the "half-davis" boys. i really like living near family. the end.

nigel likes animals and johnny's a tough guy :)

nigel had just woken up from a nap and was being REALLY cute and REALLY nice to weston. i can't believe how much of a giant nigel looks like compared to W. (and beepa, that blanket's for you)

Westie (that's what isaac calls him and it's the only nickname that has stuck) looks pretty funky in this pic, but isaac LOVES to hold him. even in the middle of playing with his favorite toys isaac will stop and say, "mom! i can't handle it! westie is sooooooooooo cute!"

W likes to make fun of jon every once and a while and pulls out his best anne geddes pose...and we LOVE the quilt hannah! you're the best!

ila's funny...

2009-06-29T15:36:00.000-07:00

ila: "mommy, what color is your hair?"

me: "mostly brown and a little gray."

ila: "mommy, you don't have any gray hairs."

me: "yes, i do. look." then i bent over so she could see the top of my head.

ila: "see mommy, you don't have any...oooohhhhh."

the end :)

my dad could TOTALLY beat up your dad...

2009-06-22T15:41:00.000-07:00

i totally stole this from beal's blog who stole it from tine's blog. i haven't had a lot of motivation to blog lately, you know, just the usual sleep deprivation and the whole "we have five kiddos now" thing. but it's amazing. i always know that when i'm as tired as i was on the mission that i'm doing something good....

ANYWAY, i wanted to have this for my blog book too, and tine completely articulated the amazing-ness that is our dad. i'm glad that he's mine and i'm grateful for all he's taught me...here's the plagarized material :)

My dad could beat up your dad.

That's what my bumper sticker would say if I were a bumper sticker kind of girl. But the cool thing is that he never would. He's not that kind of guy. This is the kind of guy my dad is.

He's the guy who put up the birthday sign with his 21 month old daughter (Callie Marie) for my mom when she brought their three day old daughter home (me) from the hospital on her own birthday.

He's the guy who loves and supports his family.

He's the guy who wanted to be a pilot when he was a kid

and actually graduated from the Air Force Academy and played basketball for them, too.

He's the guy who is the oldest of three brothers (but Uncle Bluce is taller)

He's the guy who was Moroni in the stake play.

He's the guy who hiked Half Dome with us every summer.

He's the guy who climbed Mt. Fuji...twice

He's the guy who runs and trains for marathons with his daughters. (Don't worry - I cheer while my sisters run)

He's the guy who could do anything in the eyes of this daughter.

He's the guy who would do anything for you because he loves you. He has taught me so much. My dad is full of love. He is a great Beepa to his grandchildren. He is a dedicated husband to his wife. He has instilled deeply in me my testimony of the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ.

Dad, I love you so much.

Christine

ok, so i lied...

2009-06-12T15:32:00.001-07:00

...he opened his eyes.

enjoy it while you can...

2009-06-12T15:27:00.000-07:00

this is the last picture of weston wrapped up in hospital blankets lying in a hospital bed until his surgery in a couple of months...jon's on his way right now to come pick both of us up to take him home!!! i'll post more later...i still can't believe it.

he's really cute and really close to coming home

2009-06-11T20:56:00.001-07:00

sharon was up at the hospital today and they transferred little dude to the regular pediatric floor. she snapped some pics and this one is super cute. (i know you can't see his face, but i love it when the binky is almost as big as their head.) he's eating really well and keeping his oxygen saturations up too. he'll definitely be coming home sooner than later and won't need surgery for another 3-4 months. we are all so in love already and can't wait for him to be home.

and a special THANK YOU to all of you who have done or will end up doing ANYTHING for our family...prayers, fasts, hugs, meals, offers to help, and all of that good stuff. we're completely overwhelmed with gratitude for all that's been done in our behalf. god bless all of you and your good, good hearts.

and p.s. if you call and i don't answer my phone it's because i just lost my voice.

thanks beal...

2009-06-05T18:13:00.000-07:00

beal came by today to wheel me over to see weston before they knew he be re-intubated and on the ventilator. she just got these photos to me so here's W's debut in the blogging world! he's really cute :)

now i understand...

2009-06-05T15:32:00.000-07:00

i thought i really knew what it meant to be riding an emotional roller-coaster. but i didn't...until now. weston is still doing better than we thought, but i just got a call that they had to re-intubate him. that means that he is no longer breathing on his own and that they are doing another echo-cardiogram right now to determine if surgery to insert a shunt to replace the pulmonary valve is something they should do right now instead of in 3 or 4 months.

i wish that i could emotionally handle being able to give change by change updates, but between the hormones and the reality of the situation, i'm spent. jon's on a plane to san fran for his last wedding in the next 3 weeks, so my prayer is that he'll make it back in time for any procedures that weston might need.

i'm at a loss of how to express the full extent of our gratitude for everyone's support and prayers. please know that it's during the more difficult times that i draw upon the strength those prayers to maintain the peace that we've been blessed with these past few months.

on a more positive note, beal came up to the hospital today and wheeled me over to see W before they knew they'd have to re-intubate. i got to hold him for over an hour. he's beautiful. i can already feel how strong and special he is. we love you dubya :)

W...

2009-05-31T23:21:00.000-07:00

that's what i think i want to weston's nickname to be..."W" (read "dubya"). all of our kiddos had/have nicknames and Wes wasn't doing it for me for little dude. it came to me last week right before i went to sleep one night and i kept forgetting to tell/ask jon about it. and the only reason i say "ask" is because of his strong feelings about our previous prez. but i told him and he got the irony of it and it even made him laugh that laugh that i can only get out of him every once in a while.

and just so i don't forget here are the other kiddos' nicknames we've used...some have really stuck, others not so much

isaac: ice-pack, bo-bisaac...now i just call him dude
ila: bila, bo-bila...nothing really stuck so she's just ila now
ruby: rubes (courtesy of beal)
lulu: lulu bug, bug...i think "bug" is a lifer. everybody calls her that and she responds to it as well

my nickname was moozoo...what was yours?

just a little proof for padre...

2009-05-30T11:25:00.001-07:00

he was screaming "COWABUNGA!!!" as he jumped off the top...cowabunga? seems appropriate, i guess...

i blog on the weekends...

2009-05-30T11:18:00.000-07:00

our life is pretty much OPPOSITE of everyone else's. we do our fun stuff during the week and then i'm usually trying to kill time while jon's gone on the weekends. such is life. i just found these on my camera...i didn't even know they took them. pretty cute.

she MIGHT just be brown people, she MIGHT just be brown...

he's a really good big brother

this honestly scares me a little...ok maybe a lot...that face is too wierd and her head looks sooo much bigger than ruby's

big eyes...

big mouth :) gotta love it...

i'm excited...

2009-05-30T11:10:00.001-07:00

image via bravotv.com

top chef: masters starts june 10...i'm excited. and the winner gets to donate 100,000 buckaroos to the charity of their choice. i love food...even if it's fancy schmancy food that i'll never even want to eat because it's too intimidating...i love food.

best executive decision i've EVER made...

2009-05-29T22:18:00.000-07:00

so juan is in DC...yep, a wedding. and i've been trying to convince him for almost a month now that we needed to invest in some sort of inflatable water something for the kiddos for this summer. and for lots of reasons...they'll entertain themselves, they'll be outside, they won't get hot, easier for whomever might be watching them...it's a really long list and totally legit.

but the thing about being married to jon (and this is no surprise to him) is that things don't happen spontaneously in this family very often unless jon thinks it was his idea. so i've been trying for weeks to convince and cajole and make him think that buying an inflatable water slide really was his idea...but it didn't work.

so today around 1:30 i made an executive decision. it was almost time for lulu to wake up from her nap and the other kiddos were already too hot to be playing outside...we were going to target. a pregnant me and four children 5 years old and younger.

it was a nightmare. their blood sugar was low, they were super tired, and i was walking them down the toy aisles without buying anything for goodness' sakes! and the waterslides were out of stock.

so between the yelling kiddos and the horrified faces of my fellow shoppers, i texted google and got a hold of the sandy super target. they had ONE WATERSLIDE LEFT! they held it for me and away we flew up I-15 to sandy. blood sugar was leveled off by a quick drive through chick fil a and after a stern talking to concerning target "do's and don'ts" we braved the store again.

i bought it. i even saved $30 off the sale price (for a grand total savings of $111.00) by applying for the target visa (which i promptly paid off with cash on hand). tine met us at the house and helped set it up and the kiddos played happily for a good chunk of the evening and my day is taken care of for tomorrow.

jon didn't mind, but he still isn't convinced. even after hearing isaac talk about how fun it was, jon is totally skeptical. but i'm betting after he sees how much they love the one they have and how he (or anyone else weighing more than 200 lbs) shouldn't play on it, that he'll be wishing i'd have bought the one at costco instead. it's fun being an executive every once in a while.

run, don't walk...

2009-05-19T10:39:00.001-07:00

sunflower market is my new best friend. one of the hard things about accepting the fact that i'm a utahn is the produce here. utah has a short growing season so we're at a disadvantage right from the start. and i grew up with the good stuff...the really good stuff... stuff so good that when i ask my kiddos what mommy's favorite food is they ALL yell "salad!" simultaneously. but this is beside the point...here's my point...

this place has GREAT produce for sometime really crazy cheap prices. even the stuff that isn't on sale is really reasonable. yesterday i made my weekly monday stop down in orem while kiddos were being preschooled and i happened upon some nectarines and peaches. (sidenote: i don't like peaches because they are fuzzy and feel funny on my tongue. but if YOU like peaches, i'd bet that theirs taste yummy too.)

so...i happened upon some nectarines...some regular ones and some white ones. i'd never had white nectarines before, but i knew that white peaches were super sweet compared to regular peaches. ANYWAY (this post is way too long) i ate a white nectarine last night around 10 in my attempts to avoid the not so good for me stuff...it was so good that after my first bite i said, "nuh-uh" as i was standing there alone in my kitchen and THEN i walked my pregnant butt upstairs (one more time than i had to) to give some to jon so he'd know how good they were too. he said the same thing when he ate his piece :)

i've eaten a few more since then and only about 1 in 2 taste as good as the first one i ate, but that's still good odds. so RUN, don't walk and head over to sunflower market to get some. i'm not kidding. they made me so happy i forgot about the other stuff i REALLY wanted to eat.

our tub runneth over...

2009-05-19T09:23:00.000-07:00

ahhh the joys of homeownership and twin girls overflowing the tub. lesson learned...(besides the possibility of drowning incidents) ALWAYS stay with your kiddos in the tub. their cute little 3 year old brains are still learning to follow rules and the "no splashing in the tub" rule didn't quite compute the other night. jon went upstairs to open the bathroom door to about an inch of water flowing into the hallway. then i heard christine say, "it's dripping" and my heart sank.

insurance is a funny thing. we had some damage to our wood floor back in january that wasn't covered because the accident wasn't considered "accidental and sudden" but this stuff is all covered because i wasn't with my girls while they were parting the red sea. AND they reimburse for weird stuff like the time we spent cleaning everything up and drying it off, for the 2 loads of towels that i did after we were done cleaning it up, and for the electricity to run all of the machines that have taken over our house.

meh...i'm done. the adjustor just left and i've got a check in hand to cover the damages of my stupidity. and it was the same adjustor who came back in january to deny me for the floor damages. i think he padded his inspection because he felt bad about last time. AND he seemed a lot nicer this time once he met jon...i'm not a fan of macho chauvenist latinos today. just wanted to warn you.

how did this happen?

2009-05-18T22:49:00.000-07:00

i can't believe these girlies are going to be 4 in just a couple of months...and i can't believe how much they've changed in year. here's their birthday from last year.

and p.s. for some reason it just hit me, literally like 7 minutes ago, that we will have 5 kiddos in a little less than 3 weeks. that's insane to me. how did that happen? i mean, not in a bad way, how did that happen, but really...how did that happen? i definitely don't feel like i'm 12 anymore, but 5 kids? funny thing that it took us having 5 kiddos to make feel like a real adult.

so i thought i'd commemorate my induction into adulthood by listing the things that almost having 5 kids has pushed me over the edge to finally do/come to terms with...and maybe i'll make a list of the things that i don't think will ever change...regardless of how many children end up in our family.

i've accepted the fact that i will wake up by at least 7 am for the majority of the rest of my life and it doesn't make me mad anymore.
i have FINALLY tackled the laundry. my master plan has worked for more than 2 weeks now. here's the scoop. i do one load of laundry a day...wash it, dry it, fold it, hang it up, and put it away. i think jon is still a bit confused when he walks into the bedroom and the couch is clothes-free AND he has clean clothes folded and waiting for him in the closet ready to be worn.
i have embraced the google calendar. i never had to write down my schedule before, but now that "my" schedule has become more than my own, i do. i think it's the combination of being responsible for more schedules than just my own and my complete inability to remember ANYTHING because my brain has turned to mush.
i'm a professional carpooler. and not that i mind, but i spend a minimun of 8 hours a week just driving our children somewhere. not good, not bad, just is. the end.
just as i've finally come to terms with the minivan (THE most difficult pride swallowing experience of my life...well not really, but almost) i'm realizing we'll probalby have to buy one of those passenger vans...meh. i'm not quite over it.
using paper plates. it's just easier. fewer dishes, you can clean all the dinner dishes in one load, and they don't break.
cereal for breakfast. i always cooked something for breakfast. not anymore. i now understand the logic behind cereal. genius.

and here's the list of things that i'm betting will NEVER change...

i will never go to bed early. i've always been a night owl and so is jon. i'm constantly amazed at how little sleep i am able to function on the next day when i've been up until 2 the night before.
i'll never embrace loading/emptying the dishwasher. but i'm pretty confident that having my laundry figured out cancels that out anyway.
we'll never stop traveling. before each kiddo came we would always take that "one last" trip because we didn't think we could do it anymore. but we keep traveling...with and without them. it keeps me sane.
we'll never stop having kiddos...hahahaha...just kidding. i've given up on trying to know what will happen with this one. i guess we'll see what happens :)

not so good...

2009-05-16T00:06:00.000-07:00

i really have a hard time when the book is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better than the movie. total waste of 2 1/2 hours. i fell asleep for goodness' sake. good thing the dinner and company made up for it. and it's probably too much to ask to have a great date night 2 weeks in a row anyway. i'm hoping wolverine will be better than the reviews let on.

jon's on a shoot and i'm watching houston KILL the lakers so i thought i'd post some pics...

2009-05-14T19:16:00.000-07:00

only in Lehi man...i LOVE it

not only does this chica love more food than i ever thought a 3 year old could, but she taught herself how to use chopsticks!

after discovering ready made pie crusts, i think i baked 3 pies in three days. one night, jon was bathing kiddos after dinner and came down when he was done to find one said pie oven ready. he then exclaimed, "pie?!? you made a pie since i've been upstairs? you've been holding out on me!"

i REALLY like being an aunt. little dude can't have eggs, so i gave him the frosting whisk while the other kiddos were downing cake batter

we've had lots of day trips lately. one day we ended up at the Y. we started at the duck pond and then our awesome kiddos ended up hiking the whole campus...from the duck pond to the wilk to the creamery on 9th, past jon's old dorm room, all the way to the bean museum. i think we were in shock about how well they did. jon wanted to take a pic in front of his old dorm with all the kiddos...a little more than 10 years and almost 5 kiddos later...crazy stuff man

i got a mandoline for my birthday and this was one of the first times i used it. i'm embarrased to admit how happy it made me to have these taters sliced so uniformly thin. i know, i'm weird.

they don't like having him home or anything :)

i saved the best for last. i don't remember how long ago this was, but i couldn't find ila one day when naps were over. so i opened isaac's closet door and found her like this...SNORING. she had curled up into a ball and fallen asleep on jon's old little film fridge. awesome.

public service announcement...

2009-05-13T12:21:00.000-07:00

image via ymcamemphis.org

so maybe this isn't really a public service announcement...but it's a service to the public and i'm announcing it. my sister, catie, is teaching swim lessons. there are lots of choices...group, private, semi-private, mom and me...you get the idea. my other sister, camille, is coordinating the effort with her as well. some of you already know camille and others have probably seen catie at church or something. but i can vouch for these girlies...quality chicas :). here's some more info if you're interested. there are sibling discounts and lots of options...you could even carpool! and children not drowning is always a plus :)

never thought i'd say this...

2009-05-11T20:10:00.000-07:00

but this was the best movie i've seen in a loooooooooooooooooong time. love j.j. abrams. loved the heroes guy as spock. loved the other guy as captain kirk. it was kind of like watching LOST set in space...similiar themes. and the previews made me realize how much i really like action movies. yay for summertime and good movies!

i wish i liked these...

2009-05-11T19:57:00.000-07:00

image via manataka.org

today would be a perfect day for a bubble bath...but there's something about them that grosses me out. and i'm not grossed out by much. hmmm...maybe just a loooooooooong hot shower.

things i heart...

2009-05-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

so last night before i went to sleep and i was thinking about the day, i realized i had said, "i hate _____" waaaaaaay too many times. so i thought i'd try to balance out the universe by reminding myself of things i heart. this will probably be pretty long and anything but interesting. it's mostly to help my own perspective and attitude. just warning you:)

here goes. i heart....

really good date nights...those ones that happen every so often that make you remember why you're still falling in love with your favorite person every day.

food. and sometimes i think i heart it way to much. but i hope for now i'm okay.

reading. sometimes, when i get a hold of a really good book, jon calls himself a book widower. i'll start reading and won't stop until the book is done.

nesting. our house has never been so clean. the couch in our bedroom has been empty of laundry for almost a week and it's all re-organized and hung up and put away. all the closets are clean and even lulu's room is clutter free.

tv. and i know i heart this way too much. it's sad to admit, but at least i'm being honest...sometimes my favorite part of the day is when kiddos are down and i can just veg for the rest of the night. i always have shows on the dvr to watch and food network seems to never fail me...except monday nights. monday night tv sucks.

watching movies in the theatre. jon doens't really care about going to the theatre anymore to see movies, but i LOVE it. i remember my film class freshman year when they talked about the vicarious nature of films and how that's one of the things that make them so appealing. maybe that's what it is for me, maybe not. but i heart going to the movies.

scooters. i took the kids to the store yesterday to buy them each one of those razor scooters. they've been playing outside for about 4 days straight and i thought this would help to keep them occupied and active. this morning at 7, the girdles cuddled up with us in bed and a few minutes later they were both asking to go outside to ride their scooters. LOVE it!

funny things the kiddos say. ila is the most detail oriented out of all the kids and she like to fold her clothes after she's worn them all day. when she takes something off and it's inside out she'll say, "mom, i need to put in inside-in". ruby's the most independent of the bunch and whenever she wants to do something by herself she'll say, "mom, i want to do it by by my myself."

a good blog read. feeling understood is a big part of my happiness and motivation to do what i do everyday. i can always count on this blog and this one to give me a little lift and a lot of perspective.

retrospect. one of the things that makes my faith grow most and offers me endless perspective and reminders of my worth is retrospect. i heart being able to look at times past in my life, whether long ago or relatively recently, and to be able to see the Lord's hand and His love guiding my life. it gives me purpose and fortitude and confidence to keep going and keep hurting and keep loving.

the end.

best mother's tribute EVER...

2009-05-08T11:28:00.000-07:00

just go here...now...customize and send it to moms you know. it's funny how something so small and not even real made me feel understood and appreciated. thanks marcella.

someday soon...

2009-05-07T11:38:00.000-07:00

someday soon i'll be able to bend over and touch my toes,
someday soon i'll sleep on my stomach,
someday soon i'll love the look of more parts of my body
than just my feet,
someday soon i'll be able to hug him real tummy to real tummy,
someday soon i'll meet little weston and forget that i cared about anything else.

just in case...

2009-05-05T17:42:00.000-07:00

just in case you see me a couple of times during the next four and half weeks, i wanted to give you a heads up. i will probably be wearing this...

or this...

i'm big. and uncomfortable. and these work because they are spacious and comfortable. and don't worry. i'll wash them a lot. just wanted to let you know :)

weston update...

2009-04-28T21:11:00.000-07:00

today was the last fetal echocardiogram before weston is born on the 4th of june. and it went fantastically! there's been no change in the size of his pulmonary arteries from the last visit a month ago. and the doctor even said that they're hopeful little weston will be able to breathe on his own without intubation when he's born.

i ended up meeting with the same cardiologist i met with the first time, and i think he was pleasantly surprised by the measurements. there was a different feeling in that special room they sit you down in with the comfy couches that are somehow supposed to alleviate the shock of the bad news they give you there. until today i've been preparing for the worst and too scared to hope for the best.

but i feel different today. and i'm glad. i'm buying diapers and formula tomorrow. prayers are being heard and answered. weston says thank you :)

best thing about today...

2009-04-21T14:05:00.000-07:00

it made me remember being here and makes me want to go here...especially since jon found round trip tickets for $350...

out with the old and in with the new...

2009-04-17T11:20:00.000-07:00

remember these?

for those of you who have ever seen a movie with me or driven at night with me or watched TV with me you will recognize these as my glasses. i think it's been more than 2 years ago that ruby broke off one side of them and about 6 months since she somehow snapped off the other side.

i've not gotten new glasses because...well i don't know why. that is until the other day. it's amazing the difference that unbroken glasses can make in one's life. they don't fall off when i eat or when i look down and jon doesn't laugh at me anymore about my pathetic corrective eye wear.

and here they are!

they're basically a brown and tan version of what i had :) but like i said, functional eye wear is a luxury i never appreciated before! and p.s. i'm trying to love contacts but they drive me crazy...how does the rest of the world do it?

daddy!!!

2009-04-17T11:16:00.000-07:00

lulu is officially a daddy's girl. she still doesn't speak very much, but one of her signature sayings so far is "daddy!" (insert weird 2 year old british accent). she'll come down the stairs or run around after her nap or wander around the house yelling "daddy!". as you can tell from this pic, i think he like it :)

best thing about yesterday...

2009-04-17T10:56:00.001-07:00

i came home late last night and found these awesome dj lance rock cupcakes in the fridge...jon wants to be him for halloween. in fact, beal offered her sewing services to get the whole family in on the idea. thanks veeda :) yo gabba gabba, yoooooooooo!!!